6.3.2010

Passive Aggression is Stealing your Dreams.

Your attitude. Your behavior is stealing your dreams. Your destiny.

Think about that for a minute

“We” are the difference between our failure and everything we want for ourselves in the future…

What we want to be will likely never actually ever come to be. And all because we let passive aggression cripple us.

We might be sacrificing the outrageous future of our dreams because we can’t conquer our fears, be authentic, and take control of “us”.

You know what I’m talking about. (I know about me at least…)

We have dreams. We are passionate. And then when it matters most, we revert to cowardly, self-sabotaging behavior.

And I think it’s because we just don’t believe there is any other way.

But first things first. Let’s dig a little bit into this idea of passive aggression.

What does it look like?

It looks like some of the crazy stuff we do :

Ambiguity – angry kindness, quiet loudness, comical insults
Sulking – pouting at an outcome, decision, or activity
Playing the “Victim” – blaming everyone else (usually includes a high level of whining)
Obstruction — purposefully getting in the way so that progress or success (or failure) can not be achieved
Procrastination – delaying a decision or a deadline so that outcomes get blurry

That’s all theoretic. Right? Webster Dictionary type stuff. You might be reading this and thinking:

“Dude, that could be anybody? And are those bad traits really going to steal my destiny?”

Yes. You know it. Before we get into this, you know deep down that this stuff is crippling you.

It’s the complete opposite of passion and purpose and powerful. It’s the worst type of aggression too. It’s all self-inflicted damage.

Just because you aren’t punching a hole in the wall, throwing a dinner plate across the room, or screaming until your veins pop out in your neck, don’t think that you are a “relationship hero”. Sure, all that outward anger drama makes you look like a moron to everyone around you, but it might be better than screwing up all the “secret stuff” that only you know about.

We all want an amazing destiny, but our own survival instincts can make us weak — cripple our ability to perform at high levels.

So, what to do?

Here’s for starters. Stop saying things like:

1. “I’ll try” or “Let me see” or “Let me get back to you”.

Usually all “cop-out”. No Authenticity. You don’t want to put your neck out there and really be passionate about your own success, so you leave yourself several “outs”. You can always have an alibi for failure. When something goes wrong, you can always come back to the fact that you never “promised” to get it done.

Commit and conquer. Burn the ships. Don’t leave yourself the opportunity to fail nicely. Make it brutal for yourself if you wimp out.

2. “Whatever….”, “Sure”, or “I guess”.

Running from responsibility. Instead of saying “NO” and getting your feelings and perspectives out in the open, we use these triggers to make an awkward or uncomfortable situation go away. Instead of managing our fears, we become emotionally lazy.

Be emotionally aware. Exercise your communication skills like any other any other talent that you would work for. You are letting yourself down when you just give up on yourself, your idea, or your passion.

3. “Maybe” or “If”

Conditional blame-game, decision making. You get put on the spot with a question and you fall back to the old pattern of not wanting to be the person that needs to be the authority. And here’s what’s happening — You are betting against yourself. Your mindset is that you will likely fail so you want to have a prior statement “on the record” that the conditions for your success were not met. Thus, you were unable to be successful.

Contribute. Be extreme. Put in the effort. People will know (eventually) that you are a “doer”.

and the ultimate phrase:

4. “Yes, but…”

Pure pathetic avoidance with a splash of whine. We all hate to hear others use this. It really is the ultimate expression of worthlessness. It says, “I screwed up and now I am going to make it worse, by whining about it.”

If you have to give a “yes” or “no” answer and it demands an explanation, then try these words: “Yes, and….”. It not only sounds nicer, you might actually keep their attention long enough to hear your logic. Plus, “and” is cooperative and “but” is combative.

These are some things to start working on. (Me too…).

Just remember. You have a choice whether you will tolerate your own passive aggression or not.

It’s your dream. Your destiny.

Don’t let your bad habits steal it from your future.

boblight

Ouch Dan, hold up a mirror in front of us and make us look.You make great points about this very common behavior. Like anything, it is easy to recognize the issues, but hard to correct them. This leads to some failures, and thus slipping back into the bad habits. It is important to realize that change takes time and constant effort, and to not give up if progress isn't immediate. I'm still learning myself how to balance a sense of urgency to achieve my goals, with the patience it requires as well. I find that discussing these things with others helps provide both support as well as motivation. For me that works.Thanks for the thought-share (aka "slap in the face"… ;>) )
Tim

Dan, This is right on. I hope others will take note and recognize. There is always a promise and a peril.Tim Pecoraro
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

You nailed it, Tim…. You can blame others but you lose control of your ability to achieve outrageous success.My destiny is something that I want in my hands. :-)Danp.s. thanks for stopping by dude…
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Bob,I need that mirror as much as anyone. That's why I take the time to share this with the community. This is a problem that we will have to challenge for the rest of our lives.BTW, I love that word "urgency"… Rhymes with "crush it".Dan
Natalia Muska

"Commit and conquer. Burn the ships. Don’t leave yourself the opportunity to fail nicely. Make it brutal for yourself if you wimp out."Great advice…I appreciate the cold and direct approach you offer for looking at our own faults. Your "Commit and conquer" line links well to a post you had a little while back about not being afraid to stand out. Part of committing is declaring your intentions so other people notice and hold you accountable. If you say you will do something and fail to do it, people whose opinions matter to you will know. You are putting a lot on the line by stepping up to the plate. Thanks for the reminder to be more present and active in our own success.
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Natalia,I hope I wasn't too cold. :-)This is a conversation that we need to have. And I don't hear any one around us talking about it. We talk about high performance in 3rd person like we are writing a book instead of living the dream. So let's live, learn, love. It that means I need to clean up my act, I am all for it. :-)Dan
Anonymous

Ouch Dan, hold up a mirror in front of us and make us look.

You make great points about this very common behavior. Like anything, it is easy to recognize the issues, but hard to correct them. This leads to some failures, and thus slipping back into the bad habits. It is important to realize that change takes time and constant effort, and to not give up if progress isn’t immediate. I’m still learning myself how to balance a sense of urgency to achieve my goals, with the patience it requires as well. I find that discussing these things with others helps provide both support as well as motivation. For me that works.

Thanks for the thought-share (aka “slap in the face”… ;>) )

http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Bob,

I need that mirror as much as anyone. That’s why I take the time to share this with the community. This is a problem that we will have to challenge for the rest of our lives.

BTW, I love that word “urgency”… Rhymes with “crush it”.

Dan

boblight

Ouch Dan, hold up a mirror in front of us and make us look.You make great points about this very common behavior. Like anything, it is easy to recognize the issues, but hard to correct them. This leads to some failures, and thus slipping back into the bad habits. It is important to realize that change takes time and constant effort, and to not give up if progress isn't immediate. I'm still learning myself how to balance a sense of urgency to achieve my goals, with the patience it requires as well. I find that discussing these things with others helps provide both support as well as motivation. For me that works.Thanks for the thought-share (aka "slap in the face"… ;>) )
Tim

Dan, This is right on. I hope others will take note and recognize. There is always a promise and a peril.

Tim Pecoraro

http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

You nailed it, Tim…. You can blame others but you lose control of your ability to achieve outrageous success.

My destiny is something that I want in my hands. :-)

Dan

p.s. thanks for stopping by dude…

Tim

Dan, This is right on. I hope others will take note and recognize. There is always a promise and a peril.Tim Pecoraro
Edotvanzel

Dan – Great post – a slap in the face or kick in the butt – I cant figure out which is more appropriate, either way self loathing is the worst thing anyone can do, push onward and upward and commit to the challenge. I find the busier I get in my job, I fall back on these areas you outline when I think about my dreams/goals outside of my job and can get frustrated at times. This article is a great reminder of needing to refocus to not fall back on these excuses and channel the frustration positively towards my goals. Thanks again for writing this among the other great posts you have had.
Edotvanzel

Dan – Great post – a slap in the face or kick in the butt – I cant figure out which is more appropriate, either way self loathing is the worst thing anyone can do, push onward and upward and commit to the challenge. I find the busier I get in my job, I fall back on these areas you outline when I think about my dreams/goals outside of my job and can get frustrated at times. This article is a great reminder of needing to refocus to not fall back on these excuses and channel the frustration positively towards my goals. Thanks again for writing this among the other great posts you have had.
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

I know what your talking about. It's something that we are all too familiar with. Here's he difference between a high performer like yourself and everyone else who reads this and thinks I am an a**hole — you are taking ownership of your emotions and DECIDING (it is a "decision") to conquer in spite of the effort it demands.Danp.s. stay in touch so I am encourage you… Dream big! Live even bigger…
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

You nailed it, Tim…. You can blame others but you lose control of your ability to achieve outrageous success.My destiny is something that I want in my hands. :-)Danp.s. thanks for stopping by dude…
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

You nailed it, Tim…. You can blame others but you lose control of your ability to achieve outrageous success.My destiny is something that I want in my hands. :-)Danp.s. thanks for stopping by dude…
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Bob,I need that mirror as much as anyone. That's why I take the time to share this with the community. This is a problem that we will have to challenge for the rest of our lives.BTW, I love that word "urgency"… Rhymes with "crush it".Dan
Natalia Muska

“Commit and conquer. Burn the ships. Don’t leave yourself the opportunity to fail nicely. Make it brutal for yourself if you wimp out.”
Great advice…I appreciate the cold and direct approach you offer for looking at our own faults. Your “Commit and conquer” line links well to a post you had a little while back about not being afraid to stand out. Part of committing is declaring your intentions so other people notice and hold you accountable. If you say you will do something and fail to do it, people whose opinions matter to you will know. You are putting a lot on the line by stepping up to the plate.
Thanks for the reminder to be more present and active in our own success.

http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Natalia,

I hope I wasn’t too cold. :-)

This is a conversation that we need to have. And I don’t hear any one around us talking about it. We talk about high performance in 3rd person like we are writing a book instead of living the dream.

So let’s live, learn, love. It that means I need to clean up my act, I am all for it. :-)

Dan

Natalia Muska

"Commit and conquer. Burn the ships. Don’t leave yourself the opportunity to fail nicely. Make it brutal for yourself if you wimp out."Great advice…I appreciate the cold and direct approach you offer for looking at our own faults. Your "Commit and conquer" line links well to a post you had a little while back about not being afraid to stand out. Part of committing is declaring your intentions so other people notice and hold you accountable. If you say you will do something and fail to do it, people whose opinions matter to you will know. You are putting a lot on the line by stepping up to the plate. Thanks for the reminder to be more present and active in our own success.
Natalia Muska

"Commit and conquer. Burn the ships. Don’t leave yourself the opportunity to fail nicely. Make it brutal for yourself if you wimp out."Great advice…I appreciate the cold and direct approach you offer for looking at our own faults. Your "Commit and conquer" line links well to a post you had a little while back about not being afraid to stand out. Part of committing is declaring your intentions so other people notice and hold you accountable. If you say you will do something and fail to do it, people whose opinions matter to you will know. You are putting a lot on the line by stepping up to the plate. Thanks for the reminder to be more present and active in our own success.
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Natalia,I hope I wasn't too cold. :-)This is a conversation that we need to have. And I don't hear any one around us talking about it. We talk about high performance in 3rd person like we are writing a book instead of living the dream. So let's live, learn, love. It that means I need to clean up my act, I am all for it. :-)Dan
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Natalia,I hope I wasn't too cold. :-)This is a conversation that we need to have. And I don't hear any one around us talking about it. We talk about high performance in 3rd person like we are writing a book instead of living the dream. So let's live, learn, love. It that means I need to clean up my act, I am all for it. :-)Dan
Edotvanzel

Dan – Great post – a slap in the face or kick in the butt – I cant figure out which is more appropriate, either way self loathing is the worst thing anyone can do, push onward and upward and commit to the challenge.

I find the busier I get in my job, I fall back on these areas you outline when I think about my dreams/goals outside of my job and can get frustrated at times. This article is a great reminder of needing to refocus to not fall back on these excuses and channel the frustration positively towards my goals.

Thanks again for writing this among the other great posts you have had.

http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

I know what your talking about. It’s something that we are all too familiar with. Here’s he difference between a high performer like yourself and everyone else who reads this and thinks I am an a**hole — you are taking ownership of your emotions and DECIDING (it is a “decision”) to conquer in spite of the effort it demands.

Dan

p.s. stay in touch so I am encourage you… Dream big! Live even bigger…

Edotvanzel

Dan – Great post – a slap in the face or kick in the butt – I cant figure out which is more appropriate, either way self loathing is the worst thing anyone can do, push onward and upward and commit to the challenge. I find the busier I get in my job, I fall back on these areas you outline when I think about my dreams/goals outside of my job and can get frustrated at times. This article is a great reminder of needing to refocus to not fall back on these excuses and channel the frustration positively towards my goals. Thanks again for writing this among the other great posts you have had.
Edotvanzel

Dan – Great post – a slap in the face or kick in the butt – I cant figure out which is more appropriate, either way self loathing is the worst thing anyone can do, push onward and upward and commit to the challenge. I find the busier I get in my job, I fall back on these areas you outline when I think about my dreams/goals outside of my job and can get frustrated at times. This article is a great reminder of needing to refocus to not fall back on these excuses and channel the frustration positively towards my goals. Thanks again for writing this among the other great posts you have had.
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

I know what your talking about. It's something that we are all too familiar with. Here's he difference between a high performer like yourself and everyone else who reads this and thinks I am an a**hole — you are taking ownership of your emotions and DECIDING (it is a "decision") to conquer in spite of the effort it demands.Danp.s. stay in touch so I am encourage you… Dream big! Live even bigger…
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

I know what your talking about. It's something that we are all too familiar with. Here's he difference between a high performer like yourself and everyone else who reads this and thinks I am an a**hole — you are taking ownership of your emotions and DECIDING (it is a "decision") to conquer in spite of the effort it demands.Danp.s. stay in touch so I am encourage you… Dream big! Live even bigger…
http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Bob,

I need that mirror as much as anyone. That's why I take the time to share this with the community. This is a problem that we will have to challenge for the rest of our lives.

BTW, I love that word “urgency”… Rhymes with “crush it”.

Dan
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http://game-mun.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=170276 Carl Kap

Wow dude, I didn't knew this, cheers.
CCelli73

Again, great post! I think you’re right….this is the one big obstacle to being truly successful. When I was younger, I was very passive aggressive. Now, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. And if I have made a commitment to achieve something, whether big or small, I don’t back down until I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to do. I think it comes with experience in doing the wrong things, seeing how those wrong behaviors didn’t bring you the success you wanted, and learning how to create success out of those experiences.
CCelli73

Again, great post! I think you’re right….this is the one big obstacle to being truly successful. When I was younger, I was very passive aggressive. Now, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. And if I have made a commitment to achieve something, whether big or small, I don’t back down until I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to do. I think it comes with experience in doing the wrong things, seeing how those wrong behaviors didn’t bring you the success you wanted, and learning how to create success out of those experiences.

http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Cara,

You can’t take ownership of your future while playing mental games with yourself.

The basic premise of passive aggression is one of knee-capping your opponent so that you don’t have to do the hard things that make you an outrageous success. And that premise kind of sucks.

Being powerful is not something that you do. It’s who you are. It’s an attitude.

Dan

Larry Nordlinger

Ouch! That hurt good!I have some work do to here. Thanks for being the thorn in my side.

http://www.DanWaldschmidt.com/ Dan Waldschmidt

Larry,

You are welcome…

I do my best. :-)

Dan

p.s. Thanks for stopping by. I enjoyed coffee with you not too long ago…

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Happy New Year!

Passive Aggression is Stealing your Dreams.

1. “I’ll try” or “Let me see” or “Let me get back to you”.

2. “Whatever….”, “Sure”, or “I guess”.

3. “Maybe” or “If”

4. “Yes, but…”

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