5 Things To Do When You Get Treated Unfairly.

It’s going to happen. On your conquest through life, others are going to lie about you, stab you in the back, confuse your motives, and misinterpret your intentions.
They are going to over react, blame you, say mean things about you — to everyone around you.  They’re going to shout, point fingers, lie, scream, and accuse you of things that are just not true.

And you’re going to feel betrayed, indignant, and full of righteous rage.

Which is going to make you do the wrong thing. You’re going to lash out. Defend yourself. Make sure everyone knows that you are being wronged.

And while you’re litigating your side of the story, everyone around you is scratching their head wondering when you got so damn cranky. You sound angry, bitter, irrational, and mean. That’s what happens naturally.

When you feel threatened, you do stupid things that make it seem like your unfair treatment might not be so unfair after all.

So it’s important to be deliberate about what you do next.

Here are a few things to do:

1. Stop shouting. Start listening. For right now at least.

For at least 24 hours, don’t do anything. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t lash out. Find some place that’s quiet and think things through. Just listen. There will be a time when you need to go to war. There will be a time where you need to defend yourself. Time to decry your treatment. But that time is not right now.

It’s a big mistake to act too quickly on your emotions — because they’re making you irrational. Everything you do will be tinged with anger and bitterness. So just stop shouting and start listening. Listen for what isn’t being said. Listen for the feelings and emotions that you hear expressed by others. For a few moments concentrate on others — not on yourself.

What you hear will be important for what you do next.

2. Don’t write out a long explanation of why you are right.

You might think that you’re being more logical by sitting down and writing out your side of the story. That’s probably not going to help you at all. In fact, writing out all the gory details just makes you seem petty and small minded. And it’s further depressing.  Even if you’re dead right. If you have a popular blog or write articles that are published in online newspapers, you have an immediate channel to clarify your position. But it’s a whole lot better if you don’t do that.

Those who read what you write and already agree with you won’t think more of you because of what you write. Those who don’t agree with you already aren’t likely to suddenly agree with you because of what you wrote. What you expect to happen isn’t going to happen. You’re wasting your time. And more importantly, you are wasting an opportunity to rise above the unfair treatment you have experienced.

Writing it all down doesn’t help you.

3. Reach out directly (and privately) to the other person.

If you’re trying to resolve a situation where someone else misunderstood you, then reach out directly to the person who caused the problem. It makes no sense to waste your emotions defending yourself to everyone else when you could simply be explaining your intentions to the person who treated you wrong. Send an email. Pick up the phone and call them. Use social media. There’s no excuse to not connect directly and work through this situation.

It’s not a grudge match. It’s just a conversation. Start off the conversation by simply explaining your intentions. You don’t need to justify what you did or defend it as being right. Just explain what you think the other person misunderstood. If you need to apologize for not being clear the first time, then do that. You don’t need a roomful of people or a newspaper full of readers to resolve the situation. You need one-on-one access.

Don’t waste your emotions on things that don’t matter.

4. Apologize and change if you need to. If not, don’t fake it.

Sometimes you get things wrong. There will be times when you weren’t misunderstood — you were just wrong. Whether it’s an accident or a deliberate action that you undertook, there are times where you get it wrong. You can feud about the style of the person who treated you unfairly, or you can apologize and move on. They don’t need to forgive you for you to change. You need to change because you want to be better.

And if you don’t want to change, then don’t. What only makes situations like this even worse is when you pretend to change but have no intention of doing anything different. Sometimes you don’t need to change — you just need to apologize for something that happened and move on. Don’t fake it. That just makes things worse.

Apologize when you’re wrong. Pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t make the problem worse by being a phony.

5. Keep being “you” in the meanwhile. And forever after that.

Being treated unfairly is a nasty feeling. It feels pretty horrible to be taken advantage of publicly. Even if you did something wrong to cause the poor treatment, you won’t feel any better while you’re being shamed. The secret to making it through that experience is to just be “you”. Don’t do other things because people are watching. Don’t adopt new habits because you think it will help people like you more. Just be you.

Follow your dreams. Attack the challenges you were attacking before all of this mess happened. Keep learning. Keep living. Keep leading others. Days quickly turn into weeks. Those weeks quickly turn into months. It’s easy to let your dreams fall aside as you let yourself be distracted by the worst things in life. Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t let your dreams be squashed by attitudes that are entirely in your control.

Be fearless even if you’re fearful at the time.

Anything else you do is going to come off sounding angry or pathetic.

And neither of those make for improving your reputation, making progress, or otherwise convincing those around you that you are being wronged.

Don’t let the emotions of being hurt trick you into acting like an idiot.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Hang in there. Be awesome.

318 Replies to “5 Things To Do When You Get Treated Unfairly.”

  1. Dan – Good advice. I might add one thing. Before you do anything, you need to decide how important it is for you to be right? In most cases the answer is, it isn’t important.

    Consider the source. People you care about probably won’t do those bad things to you. People you don’t care about might. If you don’t care about them, why care about what they say?

    Cheers,
    Marc

    1. Interesting thoughts Marc. I often use this question even when dealing with family “What is the desired outcome we are trying to get to?” Its very rare that what I am trying to achieve is to be “right”.

  2. Dan – Good advice. I might add one thing. Before you do anything, you need to decide how important it is for you to be right? In most cases the answer is, it isn’t important.

    Consider the source. People you care about probably won’t do those bad things to you. People you don’t care about might. If you don’t care about them, why care about what they say?

    Cheers,
    Marc

    1. Interesting thoughts Marc. I often use this question even when dealing with family “What is the desired outcome we are trying to get to?” Its very rare that what I am trying to achieve is to be “right”.

        1. Why not let other person think they’re right? Deep down you will know what’s right, and what’s right to do; often two different things! I agree with Dan, in the heat of the moment emotions (ego) can trick you. Balance between heart and brain is crucial. When one takes over – make sure you turn on the other part to bring that balance.

    2. Because they can fuck your shit up!! It would be nice if we lived in a world where what people say about us doesnt matter but we dont. People who decide to have it out for you can fuck your life up in very painful ways!!

      1. People can have a dramatic impact on your emotions. They can lie about you. But ultimately, we are each responsible for our own reactions.
        There isn’t anything anyone else can do to permanently destroy our lives. It’s on us to rise above these obstacles and create success for ourselves.

        Dan

        1. Although I agree with you in theory, I find your response very unrealistic, its 2016: lives are shaped by the people and things around them. To suggest everyone suddenly becomes strong enough to deal with everything is unrealistic, we are human and we have a range of emotions/hormones, we are part of a society and the society shapes the way our minds work. You may be able to be responsible for your reactions and I applaud you for that but that isn’t the case for many others, there are lots of things people can do to permanently destroy your life, hence why there are so many suicides, does that mean you think those people (that are so effected by the people or situations around them) should be rising above it and creating success for themselves? what about mental health issues in general? should the people with mental health issues just one day rise above it and create success for themselves, do you know just how many people have mental health issues- what about all the other differences to someone elses life that make it 100 times harder for them to rise above it and create success for themselves, when someone is so very far into a dark place, there is no light, there is no way out, and the people that say take responsiblility / change your life / there is always a way out / they put themselves there / unfortunately aren’t realistic and unfortunately aren’t concidering all the factors that may effect someones judgement or lifestyle. I work with people who struggle with life, long term and short term issues, your statement is great in an ideal world, but this world is far from ideal (and please don’t respond with something like the world is what we make it, because it is not, there are lots of things that effect us that cant be changed by ourselves)

          1. There’s people shooting people over any manner of grudges, flip-offs, or because someone made the wrong facial expression. Yes there are permanent things that someone can do to you. It’s the season of rage in America.

          2. Sad. But true. I tend to still believe that each of us have the ability to make a difference in the world around us.
            “Anger is often what pain looks like when it shows itself in public.” ~reddit

            Dan

          3. Perhaps, @Dan, this post will be more convincing if you can share how you have specifically risen above the worst thing that has happened to you (an actual situation) rather than simply giving a list of explanations. There are so many things that sound good (and callous) in theory, but in real life we are not robots without feelings. I’ve seen people who tried to curb outward expressions, but in the end, that ate them up. The emotion seems to be bound to be expressed sooner or later.

          4. Can’t we just find solutions to help ppl with all kinds of problems like if we just took the time to be in their heads to help them in some way make things easier for ppl with mental health problemsFind new and improved methods to achieve greatness in others

    3. Sounds really good but what if you are with a partner who thinks you have lied about something and you have explained it is miscommunication and apologised to them for 6 months and tried tried tried, listened to all allegations calmly and apologised more but then they start hurting your loved ones to punish you and everything and anything mean they do is to punish you they say mean things to other people, you ask them to stop unfair treatment because you cannot take it anymore and if not then the relationship needs to end and they don’t want you to go as well but then it just gets to that point where you cannot take it, 2 years every day every second same thing, same issue, still is it unfair and wrong to scream and yell? If you leave you are told you are wrong when you want to leave because you want to keep sane? sorry the article seemed really positive and I was the kind of person who followed it but how can I apply this article to this situation?

      1. it gets to that point that being right is not even the point anymore it is all about peace and normality in ones life

      2. What buddhism says in this matter peace can’t be expected from outside, its comes within yourself… Your gf or wife may tell others N number of things about you to others, give a smile to her dont take anything inside.. if they are mean to you, then dont react 😉, show them like you are happy even after hearing those… Haha slowly her victory turns to defeat.. try this 100 percnt works.. enjoy

  3. Dan – Good advice. I might add one thing. Before you do anything, you need to decide how important it is for you to be right? In most cases the answer is, it isn’t important.

    Consider the source. People you care about probably won’t do those bad things to you. People you don’t care about might. If you don’t care about them, why care about what they say?

    Cheers,
    Marc

    1. Interesting thoughts Marc. I often use this question even when dealing with family “What is the desired outcome we are trying to get to?” Its very rare that what I am trying to achieve is to be “right”.

  4. Dan – Good advice. I might add one thing. Before you do anything, you need to decide how important it is for you to be right? In most cases the answer is, it isn’t important.

    Consider the source. People you care about probably won’t do those bad things to you. People you don’t care about might. If you don’t care about them, why care about what they say?

    Cheers,
    Marc

    1. Interesting thoughts Marc. I often use this question even when dealing with family “What is the desired outcome we are trying to get to?” Its very rare that what I am trying to achieve is to be “right”.

        1. Why not let other person think they’re right? Deep down you will know what’s right, and what’s right to do; often two different things! I agree with Dan, in the heat of the moment emotions (ego) can trick you. Balance between heart and brain is crucial. When one takes over – make sure you turn on the other part to bring that balance.

    2. Because they can fuck your shit up!! It would be nice if we lived in a world where what people say about us doesnt matter but we dont. People who decide to have it out for you can fuck your life up in very painful ways!!

      1. People can have a dramatic impact on your emotions. They can lie about you. But ultimately, we are each responsible for our own reactions.
        There isn’t anything anyone else can do to permanently destroy our lives. It’s on us to rise above these obstacles and create success for ourselves.

        Dan

        1. Although I agree with you in theory, I find your response very unrealistic, its 2016: lives are shaped by the people and things around them. To suggest everyone suddenly becomes strong enough to deal with everything is unrealistic, we are human and we have a range of emotions/hormones, we are part of a society and the society shapes the way our minds work. You may be able to be responsible for your reactions and I applaud you for that but that isn’t the case for many others, there are lots of things people can do to permanently destroy your life, hence why there are so many suicides, does that mean you think those people (that are so effected by the people or situations around them) should be rising above it and creating success for themselves? what about mental health issues in general? should the people with mental health issues just one day rise above it and create success for themselves, do you know just how many people have mental health issues- what about all the other differences to someone elses life that make it 100 times harder for them to rise above it and create success for themselves, when someone is so very far into a dark place, there is no light, there is no way out, and the people that say take responsiblility / change your life / there is always a way out / they put themselves there / unfortunately aren’t realistic and unfortunately aren’t concidering all the factors that may effect someones judgement or lifestyle. I work with people who struggle with life, long term and short term issues, your statement is great in an ideal world, but this world is far from ideal (and please don’t respond with something like the world is what we make it, because it is not, there are lots of things that effect us that cant be changed by ourselves)

          1. There’s people shooting people over any manner of grudges, flip-offs, or because someone made the wrong facial expression. Yes there are permanent things that someone can do to you. It’s the season of rage in America.

          2. Sad. But true. I tend to still believe that each of us have the ability to make a difference in the world around us.
            “Anger is often what pain looks like when it shows itself in public.” ~reddit

            Dan

          3. Perhaps, @Dan, this post will be more convincing if you can share how you have specifically risen above the worst thing that has happened to you (an actual situation) rather than simply giving a list of explanations. There are so many things that sound good (and callous) in theory, but in real life we are not robots without feelings. I’ve seen people who tried to curb outward expressions, but in the end, that ate them up. The emotion seems to be bound to be expressed sooner or later.

          4. Can’t we just find solutions to help ppl with all kinds of problems like if we just took the time to be in their heads to help them in some way make things easier for ppl with mental health problemsFind new and improved methods to achieve greatness in others

    3. Sounds really good but what if you are with a partner who thinks you have lied about something and you have explained it is miscommunication and apologised to them for 6 months and tried tried tried, listened to all allegations calmly and apologised more but then they start hurting your loved ones to punish you and everything and anything mean they do is to punish you they say mean things to other people, you ask them to stop unfair treatment because you cannot take it anymore and if not then the relationship needs to end and they don’t want you to go as well but then it just gets to that point where you cannot take it, 2 years every day every second same thing, same issue, still is it unfair and wrong to scream and yell? If you leave you are told you are wrong when you want to leave because you want to keep sane? sorry the article seemed really positive and I was the kind of person who followed it but how can I apply this article to this situation?

      1. it gets to that point that being right is not even the point anymore it is all about peace and normality in ones life

      2. What buddhism says in this matter peace can’t be expected from outside, its comes within yourself… Your gf or wife may tell others N number of things about you to others, give a smile to her dont take anything inside.. if they are mean to you, then dont react 😉, show them like you are happy even after hearing those… Haha slowly her victory turns to defeat.. try this 100 percnt works.. enjoy

  5. Thank you so much, this was exactly what I needed to read! I stayed calm, listened to the other person and it wasn’t even that big of a deal even though I thought so at that moment and wanted to become bitter with anger and ruin everything!

  6. Thank you so much, this was exactly what I needed to read! I stayed calm, listened to the other person and it wasn’t even that big of a deal even though I thought so at that moment and wanted to become bitter with anger and ruin everything!

      1. I was just verbally attacked by someone I used to respect. I know he did not have the entire context of the situation he attacked me about. He said I am now dead to him. I’m ok with that, but it still stings, pretty badly. This involves a third person who he thinks I wronged because he came upon a conversation and took things out of context. I would like to talk with his girlfriend, the third person, and apologize if I had offended her. I’m still in shock! Most people feel I am nice and trustworthy, but I know I am not perfect. In pain right now.

        1. Take a deep breath, Michelle. Sometimes people get hurt and it takes time for them to be able to “hear you”…

          That usually take time. Give it some time. Don’t be afraid to apologize too. Just say “I’M SORRY…”, mean it, and walk away. Things will work themselves out. 🙂

          Dan

  7. Thank you so much, this was exactly what I needed to read! I stayed calm, listened to the other person and it wasn’t even that big of a deal even though I thought so at that moment and wanted to become bitter with anger and ruin everything!

  8. Thank you so much, this was exactly what I needed to read! I stayed calm, listened to the other person and it wasn’t even that big of a deal even though I thought so at that moment and wanted to become bitter with anger and ruin everything!

      1. I was just verbally attacked by someone I used to respect. I know he did not have the entire context of the situation he attacked me about. He said I am now dead to him. I’m ok with that, but it still stings, pretty badly. This involves a third person who he thinks I wronged because he came upon a conversation and took things out of context. I would like to talk with his girlfriend, the third person, and apologize if I had offended her. I’m still in shock! Most people feel I am nice and trustworthy, but I know I am not perfect. In pain right now.

        1. Take a deep breath, Michelle. Sometimes people get hurt and it takes time for them to be able to “hear you”…

          That usually take time. Give it some time. Don’t be afraid to apologize too. Just say “I’M SORRY…”, mean it, and walk away. Things will work themselves out. 🙂

          Dan

  9. Dan, I really appreciate this advice. I know you posted this last year, but I appreciate it still. I recently angered (really angered***) someone I was seeing. This is what happened. A dear friend of his passed away due to an overdose. He ends up beating up the guy who sold his friend the drugs – he told me all this over the phone. For a long time… several days… I don’t hear from him. At one point I reach out to his loved ones but I don’t give any details to them. I just mention I heard he was going through a rough time and hope he’s okay. Like I said… I didn’t mention any details but he goes through the roof and curses at me very hard on the phone, via talking, via texting, and via email. It seemed like he heard me apologize, and hear me say that my intentions were Good on the phone when he calmed down a bit. I ment well, and I just wanted to show him that I care about people, that I cared about him.* I really like him and wanted to show I gave a (blank.) Some people would not and just keep going. Anyway… he said when he “calms down” he “may call me later on” but he has not. He also mentioned on an email that if he wanted to call me, he would, was his words. Obviously he doesn’t want me apart of his life at all. Oh well… I was trying to be there* for him… show him I cared but if he doesn’t want it. There’s nothing I can do. I think maybe… he may see the error of his ways and see I only ment well one day. I had another friend who finally appreciated the help I tried to give him (this friend of mine was homeless for a while, and I gave him a place to stay on the weekends, food every so often… I admit… I had help via family so he didn’t appreciate it due to my familly being involved…) but later on the phone… some months… a year or two later… he told me he finally understood I ment well. : ) Anyway, thanks again for the advice.

    1. I’m curious what happened with you and the boyfriend? I would have been annoyed at you too because i am a private and proud person and would hate for my partner to ‘go behind my back’ (that’s how it would feel) and go tell my family all about my private thoughts and emotions (again i know you said you didn’t go into detail but that is how i would feel.) i would also be very embarrassed that you had spoken to my family… anyway I’m not having a go or saying you did anything wrong i guess I’m just saying we are all different and i had a very close friend who did things like u did and i thought she was a psycho contacting my family without telling me etc when really she thought she was just being normal and showing her interest in me, likewise she is this involved in her partners life now and the partner loves how intense she is. everyone is different i spose.

      1. Very good point. We are all different.
        Sympathy will make you feel pity. Empathy will help bring you closer.

        That keen sense of self awareness is what makes the most impact on how we are able to help others.

        Dan

  10. Dan, I really appreciate this advice. I know you posted this last year, but I appreciate it still. I recently angered (really angered***) someone I was seeing. This is what happened. A dear friend of his passed away due to an overdose. He ends up beating up the guy who sold his friend the drugs – he told me all this over the phone. For a long time… several days… I don’t hear from him. At one point I reach out to his loved ones but I don’t give any details to them. I just mention I heard he was going through a rough time and hope he’s okay. Like I said… I didn’t mention any details but he goes through the roof and curses at me very hard on the phone, via talking, via texting, and via email. It seemed like he heard me apologize, and hear me say that my intentions were Good on the phone when he calmed down a bit. I ment well, and I just wanted to show him that I care about people, that I cared about him.* I really like him and wanted to show I gave a (blank.) Some people would not and just keep going. Anyway… he said when he “calms down” he “may call me later on” but he has not. He also mentioned on an email that if he wanted to call me, he would, was his words. Obviously he doesn’t want me apart of his life at all. Oh well… I was trying to be there* for him… show him I cared but if he doesn’t want it. There’s nothing I can do. I think maybe… he may see the error of his ways and see I only ment well one day. I had another friend who finally appreciated the help I tried to give him (this friend of mine was homeless for a while, and I gave him a place to stay on the weekends, food every so often… I admit… I had help via family so he didn’t appreciate it due to my familly being involved…) but later on the phone… some months… a year or two later… he told me he finally understood I ment well. : ) Anyway, thanks again for the advice.

    1. I’m curious what happened with you and the boyfriend? I would have been annoyed at you too because i am a private and proud person and would hate for my partner to ‘go behind my back’ (that’s how it would feel) and go tell my family all about my private thoughts and emotions (again i know you said you didn’t go into detail but that is how i would feel.) i would also be very embarrassed that you had spoken to my family… anyway I’m not having a go or saying you did anything wrong i guess I’m just saying we are all different and i had a very close friend who did things like u did and i thought she was a psycho contacting my family without telling me etc when really she thought she was just being normal and showing her interest in me, likewise she is this involved in her partners life now and the partner loves how intense she is. everyone is different i spose.

      1. Very good point. We are all different.
        Sympathy will make you feel pity. Empathy will help bring you closer.

        That keen sense of self awareness is what makes the most impact on how we are able to help others.

        Dan

  11. This 5 step system would only work if every person on earth were the same. With many people,rationalizing is not an option. Sometimes being a bit loud will shake things up.

      1. So if u have been nailed to the cross and another employees exact situation gets pushed under the rug.Then u should forget it…suck it..don’tget mad….really….

  12. This 5 step system would only work if every person on earth were the same. With many people,rationalizing is not an option. Sometimes being a bit loud will shake things up.

      1. So if u have been nailed to the cross and another employees exact situation gets pushed under the rug.Then u should forget it…suck it..don’tget mad….really….

  13. thanks Dan. i was just really in pain and hurt. its family matter. as the ‘big’ sister in the family is really not an easy thing to me. the responsibility. but they just treat me like im not that important. well, that hurts me a lot. i am the one taking care of my little brother and sisters after i had finished my studies. i cant go to find work when my day is busy at home. at least give me some appreciation. oh. this advice really makes me calm.

  14. thanks Dan. i was just really in pain and hurt. its family matter. as the ‘big’ sister in the family is really not an easy thing to me. the responsibility. but they just treat me like im not that important. well, that hurts me a lot. i am the one taking care of my little brother and sisters after i had finished my studies. i cant go to find work when my day is busy at home. at least give me some appreciation. oh. this advice really makes me calm.

  15. I have always been told that I’m highly intelligent (my IQ hovers above 140 and I’m socially confident) but a boss I started working for many years ago decided that he didn’t like my politics so has spent the interim period literally telling people not to listen to me because I’m stupid. Previously I have run businesses, conducted major successful events etc. I’ve stayed in the job because I’m the sole parent and supporter of my kids and family generally and the workplace has had a flexible policy about work/life/family balance. Also because with the type of treatment I get from my boss I’ve not been sure that I’d get a good reference so I’ve continued to try to prove my worth over this time. Without success.
    After some years my confidence in my intelligence and ideas has plummeted and now when anyone has anything except the most menial enquiry of our office they direct it to other people while I’m asked to maintain the diary and help people with photocopying. I’m unlikely to open my mouth on anything of import. When I do and someone is new to the office my ideas are well received and often get traction. But after a couple of weeks the new staffer understands that I’m not to be listened to and joins in marginalising my input.

    It is the most frustrating and distressing thing. Because now I’m second guessing myself, I have no confidence in myself in the workplace and increasingly I make stupid mistakes. I feel like a walking case study in what happens when you treat a person like they’re an idiot. It’s horrible.

    1. Maybe you should have a candid conversation with your boss. Ask him: “It’s clear that something is wrong. How can I improve?”

      Don’t argue. Don’t make excuses. Don’t cry and yell.

      Just ask for options. And then when you get those ideas dig deeper with a “Tell me more…” or “What makes you say that?”. The information you uncover will change the rest of your life.

      Most bosses don’t have an axe to grind. They hate conflict and problems. They just want things to run smoothly. Be a part of helping out. Start by asking what you can do.

      Dan

        1. I am so sorry to hear that you were fired. Especially then it seems like you were trying to do the right thing.
          What type for employment/job/career are you looking for now? Maybe the community here can help you.

          Dan

    2. Please remember that one’s character is what you know of yourself and how you live your life (e.g. your moral and ethical qualities). Reputation is how others perceive you. If you know you are a person of exceptional character, release the concern of your reputation at this point in time. Finally, I would recommend that you speak with the director/manager of Human Resources. It is apparent to me, based on your comments, that your boss has created a hostile work environment. If HR does not address and resolve your issue, a complaint filed with the EEOC definitely will.

  16. I have always been told that I’m highly intelligent (my IQ hovers above 140 and I’m socially confident) but a boss I started working for many years ago decided that he didn’t like my politics so has spent the interim period literally telling people not to listen to me because I’m stupid. Previously I have run businesses, conducted major successful events etc. I’ve stayed in the job because I’m the sole parent and supporter of my kids and family generally and the workplace has had a flexible policy about work/life/family balance. Also because with the type of treatment I get from my boss I’ve not been sure that I’d get a good reference so I’ve continued to try to prove my worth over this time. Without success.
    After some years my confidence in my intelligence and ideas has plummeted and now when anyone has anything except the most menial enquiry of our office they direct it to other people while I’m asked to maintain the diary and help people with photocopying. I’m unlikely to open my mouth on anything of import. When I do and someone is new to the office my ideas are well received and often get traction. But after a couple of weeks the new staffer understands that I’m not to be listened to and joins in marginalising my input.

    It is the most frustrating and distressing thing. Because now I’m second guessing myself, I have no confidence in myself in the workplace and increasingly I make stupid mistakes. I feel like a walking case study in what happens when you treat a person like they’re an idiot. It’s horrible.

    1. Maybe you should have a candid conversation with your boss. Ask him: “It’s clear that something is wrong. How can I improve?”

      Don’t argue. Don’t make excuses. Don’t cry and yell.

      Just ask for options. And then when you get those ideas dig deeper with a “Tell me more…” or “What makes you say that?”. The information you uncover will change the rest of your life.

      Most bosses don’t have an axe to grind. They hate conflict and problems. They just want things to run smoothly. Be a part of helping out. Start by asking what you can do.

      Dan

        1. I am so sorry to hear that you were fired. Especially then it seems like you were trying to do the right thing.
          What type for employment/job/career are you looking for now? Maybe the community here can help you.

          Dan

    2. Please remember that one’s character is what you know of yourself and how you live your life (e.g. your moral and ethical qualities). Reputation is how others perceive you. If you know you are a person of exceptional character, release the concern of your reputation at this point in time. Finally, I would recommend that you speak with the director/manager of Human Resources. It is apparent to me, based on your comments, that your boss has created a hostile work environment. If HR does not address and resolve your issue, a complaint filed with the EEOC definitely will.

  17. …this is a woeful message to some effect…for me (a victim of multiple sexual abuse and child abuse), much of this advice encourages suppression of emotion…not good at all…very woeful for me to digest.

    1. Andrew,

      I don’t have experience suffering abuse. I am sorry for your circumstances. You do need to confront those who have done you wrong. You then need to figure out how to live a fulfilling, happy life. You owe that to yourself.

      Dan

      1. …sure, what you find is that it’s the abusers that can’t face up to themselves…until they do, you won’t get any validation. I confronted my mother, and it broke up the marriage…she is now dead, so that also adds the problem.

        1. i love that people are pointing out the obvious flaw in this, and to be so honest takes a lot of guts, and to help people understand takes a lot and helps us a lot, i hope your life is ok as i see you posted this two years ago, as someone who works with people who have been abused i cant stress enough the impact it has on someones life, it may effect every single part of their life and people who just see the norm have no understanding of this and use positive phrases that are meaningless to the ‘abused’, putting the responsibility onto the ‘abused’ to figure out how to live a fulfilly and happy life, don’t you get it? that’s not even an option for some! it angers me that people think you can ‘work out’ how to live a fulfilling and happy life as some people will never be able to have that and that’s something others need to start concidering and trusting and believing when people point that out. some people just try and get through the day without wanting to kill themselves. sorry Andrew if my rant at dans positivity is negative to you in anyway, what you can do Andrew if you don’t already is tell people how it has effected your life, in articles or blogs or absolutely anything so people who haven’t been through such horrific things may have more info to learn how to understand life from another viewpoint to their own narrow sighted views on the world.

      2. very enriching discussions…I believe it happens to us all at one point in life. In work settings for example, if there is impartiality from management and the unfair action is sanctioned, it can completely become a helpless situation. Confronting may not always address the issues if persons with authorities back/do nothing to stop the injustice. I would be happy to hear experiences on how to deal with this scenario

      3. Your advice is extremely inaccurate. You should never….ever ” confront” an abuser. The only thing you will receive from them is more abuse, as they are looking for every opportunity to give more pain.You really should not be giving advice to a victim unless you know what you are talking about. I seriously doubt you would follow your own advice if you were in her shoes. Sorry if this sounds mean that is not my intention.Your reply sets off alarms…..

        1. You weren’t confronting them to get them to admit their mistakes, apologize, and do better next time. You are reaching out to let them know that what they are doing is wrong.
          You are standing up for yourself and for every other person that takes their abuse after the situation for which you are confronting them.

          By the way, I say this with caution. If the person you are confronting as deadly intentions, you should probably just stay away.

          Dan

  18. …this is a woeful message to some effect…for me (a victim of multiple sexual abuse and child abuse), much of this advice encourages suppression of emotion…not good at all…very woeful for me to digest.

    1. Andrew,

      I don’t have experience suffering abuse. I am sorry for your circumstances. You do need to confront those who have done you wrong. You then need to figure out how to live a fulfilling, happy life. You owe that to yourself.

      Dan

      1. …sure, what you find is that it’s the abusers that can’t face up to themselves…until they do, you won’t get any validation. I confronted my mother, and it broke up the marriage…she is now dead, so that also adds the problem.

        1. i love that people are pointing out the obvious flaw in this, and to be so honest takes a lot of guts, and to help people understand takes a lot and helps us a lot, i hope your life is ok as i see you posted this two years ago, as someone who works with people who have been abused i cant stress enough the impact it has on someones life, it may effect every single part of their life and people who just see the norm have no understanding of this and use positive phrases that are meaningless to the ‘abused’, putting the responsibility onto the ‘abused’ to figure out how to live a fulfilly and happy life, don’t you get it? that’s not even an option for some! it angers me that people think you can ‘work out’ how to live a fulfilling and happy life as some people will never be able to have that and that’s something others need to start concidering and trusting and believing when people point that out. some people just try and get through the day without wanting to kill themselves. sorry Andrew if my rant at dans positivity is negative to you in anyway, what you can do Andrew if you don’t already is tell people how it has effected your life, in articles or blogs or absolutely anything so people who haven’t been through such horrific things may have more info to learn how to understand life from another viewpoint to their own narrow sighted views on the world.

      2. very enriching discussions…I believe it happens to us all at one point in life. In work settings for example, if there is impartiality from management and the unfair action is sanctioned, it can completely become a helpless situation. Confronting may not always address the issues if persons with authorities back/do nothing to stop the injustice. I would be happy to hear experiences on how to deal with this scenario

      3. Your advice is extremely inaccurate. You should never….ever ” confront” an abuser. The only thing you will receive from them is more abuse, as they are looking for every opportunity to give more pain.You really should not be giving advice to a victim unless you know what you are talking about. I seriously doubt you would follow your own advice if you were in her shoes. Sorry if this sounds mean that is not my intention.Your reply sets off alarms…..

        1. You weren’t confronting them to get them to admit their mistakes, apologize, and do better next time. You are reaching out to let them know that what they are doing is wrong.
          You are standing up for yourself and for every other person that takes their abuse after the situation for which you are confronting them.

          By the way, I say this with caution. If the person you are confronting as deadly intentions, you should probably just stay away.

          Dan

  19. But i got a championship game and I don’t want to spoil anything. I don’t want to apologize because i’m right but I don’t want to sit home while the team is playing

  20. But i got a championship game and I don’t want to spoil anything. I don’t want to apologize because i’m right but I don’t want to sit home while the team is playing

  21. Actually i too did a mistake, due to fear, i am afraid of my boss because of previous year leave due to this i said a lie to him and i caught now i dont know what to do , i accept my mistake but now m afraid of office people and my boss.

  22. Actually i too did a mistake, due to fear, i am afraid of my boss because of previous year leave due to this i said a lie to him and i caught now i dont know what to do , i accept my mistake but now m afraid of office people and my boss.

  23. it’s very timely that i read this today. a friend left me this morning without letting me know he was leaving. it’s nothing serious. we were suppose to go to class together, but this morning he left without telling me and he knows i was waiting for him so that we could leave together. this is not the first time it happened… and is not the only thing that happens. whenever i ask a question, especially about directions or which bus to take because im new to the city, where my friend has lived in for 4 years already, sometimes he won’t answer and other times he’ll make remarks that are very rude. he tells me to stop asking questions. he ignores me. when i have something to share that interests me, he doesn’t listen. i can’t help but take this seriously because he isn’t like this to his other companions. even his friends treat me the same way. i always brushed it off whenever they offend me, because they so often offend me that i feel powerless and if felt pointless to let them know, they’ll be at it again anyways. because of this, i make irrational decisions and purposely commit mistakes that affect the community we live in and whenever i do, i just tell myself, “why would they bother? they don’t care about me. they don’t like me. i am not important.” so that when they get upset, i wouldn’t have to care just as they never did care about how i felt during those days. what’s scary is that telling myself that they don’t care about me is beginning to comfort me because then, i wouldn’t have to care about them as well. it’s sort of like a revenge thing. not very productive, i know. sometimes, i wish treat them they way they treat me, but i can never see myself as that mean.

  24. it’s very timely that i read this today. a friend left me this morning without letting me know he was leaving. it’s nothing serious. we were suppose to go to class together, but this morning he left without telling me and he knows i was waiting for him so that we could leave together. this is not the first time it happened… and is not the only thing that happens. whenever i ask a question, especially about directions or which bus to take because im new to the city, where my friend has lived in for 4 years already, sometimes he won’t answer and other times he’ll make remarks that are very rude. he tells me to stop asking questions. he ignores me. when i have something to share that interests me, he doesn’t listen. i can’t help but take this seriously because he isn’t like this to his other companions. even his friends treat me the same way. i always brushed it off whenever they offend me, because they so often offend me that i feel powerless and if felt pointless to let them know, they’ll be at it again anyways. because of this, i make irrational decisions and purposely commit mistakes that affect the community we live in and whenever i do, i just tell myself, “why would they bother? they don’t care about me. they don’t like me. i am not important.” so that when they get upset, i wouldn’t have to care just as they never did care about how i felt during those days. what’s scary is that telling myself that they don’t care about me is beginning to comfort me because then, i wouldn’t have to care about them as well. it’s sort of like a revenge thing. not very productive, i know. sometimes, i wish treat them they way they treat me, but i can never see myself as that mean.

  25. A few weeks ago I made a bet with someone. Today I won the bet, but the other person keeps claiming that they won the bet (claim that they had the side I picked) and told me to give them the money. I exploded and walked away.

  26. A few weeks ago I made a bet with someone. Today I won the bet, but the other person keeps claiming that they won the bet (claim that they had the side I picked) and told me to give them the money. I exploded and walked away.

  27. What do you do if you are literally a genius (not myself, someone dear to me, if I was genius I would be better at writing and spelling) a GEnIuS, not boastful of it though, kind quiet, polite, extremely hard working. like 20 hours off the clock doing work training yourself in programs and excelling being number one statistically out of everyone in the building. Excellent resume, excellent recent work, incomparable… and everytime you apply for promotion, they give u the interview because it would be extremely strange if they didn’t, and then they choose the dumbest literally crack head lady or grease haired twit with no experience and no backbone, and then apply for another promotion, 3 times a charm right, don’t give up, they even told him to apply for this position…(the position is an insult by the way in comparison to his skills but a dollar raise is a dollar raise and experience to move up higher) Interview time comes and they have strangers do the interview but they some how already hate you and treat you terrible accusing you of just wanting a promotion so he doesn’t have to do work (what?) when he has done more overtime then anyone else… and they throw your resume at you and pretty much are telling you to stop trying to get promoted…they only promote clowns, what do you do is this legal how can you do this to someone who is exceptional in everyway what do you do besides get a different job???oh and some supervisors who told u didn’t get the last promotion u applied for admitted that its based on favoritism…but why would they want someone who is so exceptional not to be a apart of management when they have come from management in a wealthy company same business type… is it intimidation, wouldn’t it be great to have someone who was great be part of you team?

  28. What do you do if you are literally a genius (not myself, someone dear to me, if I was genius I would be better at writing and spelling) a GEnIuS, not boastful of it though, kind quiet, polite, extremely hard working. like 20 hours off the clock doing work training yourself in programs and excelling being number one statistically out of everyone in the building. Excellent resume, excellent recent work, incomparable… and everytime you apply for promotion, they give u the interview because it would be extremely strange if they didn’t, and then they choose the dumbest literally crack head lady or grease haired twit with no experience and no backbone, and then apply for another promotion, 3 times a charm right, don’t give up, they even told him to apply for this position…(the position is an insult by the way in comparison to his skills but a dollar raise is a dollar raise and experience to move up higher) Interview time comes and they have strangers do the interview but they some how already hate you and treat you terrible accusing you of just wanting a promotion so he doesn’t have to do work (what?) when he has done more overtime then anyone else… and they throw your resume at you and pretty much are telling you to stop trying to get promoted…they only promote clowns, what do you do is this legal how can you do this to someone who is exceptional in everyway what do you do besides get a different job???oh and some supervisors who told u didn’t get the last promotion u applied for admitted that its based on favoritism…but why would they want someone who is so exceptional not to be a apart of management when they have come from management in a wealthy company same business type… is it intimidation, wouldn’t it be great to have someone who was great be part of you team?

  29. I have done all this and the managers/bosses deni that fact they are singling me out and my other co-workers keep asking me why im getting singled out. I have been there for a little over a year and it seems that things are just getting worse. Where do I go from here? I like my job but not the drama from my bosses. I have a family of 8 to put into perspective. Please help?

    1. Find a new company where there isn’t drama.

      it might seem right now that you need to stay in this abusive work environment, BUT there is always a better partner out there who is willing to treat you right and encourage you to grow.

      Dan

  30. I have done all this and the managers/bosses deni that fact they are singling me out and my other co-workers keep asking me why im getting singled out. I have been there for a little over a year and it seems that things are just getting worse. Where do I go from here? I like my job but not the drama from my bosses. I have a family of 8 to put into perspective. Please help?

    1. Find a new company where there isn’t drama.

      it might seem right now that you need to stay in this abusive work environment, BUT there is always a better partner out there who is willing to treat you right and encourage you to grow.

      Dan

    1. They won’t. If they treat you unfairly for who you are these tips won’t do anything for you.You can’t expect to get a sincere apology from an already insincere employee.

      1. You don’t control other people. You only control you. So use your time, talents, and experience in ways that make you better.

        What good does it do to agonize over other people who act like idiots?

        Quit that job. Get out of that relationship. Move on. Do the things that make a difference for you.

        Dan

    1. They won’t. If they treat you unfairly for who you are these tips won’t do anything for you.You can’t expect to get a sincere apology from an already insincere employee.

      1. You don’t control other people. You only control you. So use your time, talents, and experience in ways that make you better.

        What good does it do to agonize over other people who act like idiots?

        Quit that job. Get out of that relationship. Move on. Do the things that make a difference for you.

        Dan

  31. Hi my name is Selena I’ve been working at a double hotel for 1 & half years as a front desk clerk, a coworker has been working for only 9 months a position up stairs opened up for an assistant job, my friend who held that position had recommended me to succeed her and instead they gave it to the other girl who’s been there for 9 months, and she got a $2 raise where’s as I am still stuck at my same salary do you think that’s fair

    1. Good question, Selena. I can’t rightly tell you if that situation is fair or not.

      Does she work harder than you? Does she have skills and abilities that you do not have? Does she have a better relationship with management?

      Even if the answer is “NO” to all of these answers, it still does not change your situation. If you don’t like how you are being treated go get another job. Start your own hotel where you treat the staff fairly.

      You can’t be responsible for other people’s actions — so stop worrying about them. Change your future for the better.

      Dan

      1. Dan. Have you ever… I don’t know… worked? All your tips are far beyond reality.Tell me, you write this blog on how to deal with unfair treatment. If I follow these tips I should be okay, right?
        Why would I have to go look for another job? Something wrong with your tips Dan?
        Ultimately there are better ways to deal with unfair treatment than ditch your job.
        I live on an island and if I did that there won’t be any jobs left and hell I’m not going to just grow a business in a matter of days.

        Why not suggest talking to other coworkers or higher ups as unfair treatment is essentially against the rules?

        1. have you ever worked, that’s hilarious, exactly what i wanted to ask, and also… have you ever delt with a real problem, have you ever had responsibilities that mean you cant make that change that everyone suggests…. we don’t live in a movie! this is real life, there are things stopping us from ‘quiting that job, dumping that boyfriend, moving away’ but dan doesn’t concider the real world where the average jo has very little power over his life.

  32. Hi my name is Selena I’ve been working at a double hotel for 1 & half years as a front desk clerk, a coworker has been working for only 9 months a position up stairs opened up for an assistant job, my friend who held that position had recommended me to succeed her and instead they gave it to the other girl who’s been there for 9 months, and she got a $2 raise where’s as I am still stuck at my same salary do you think that’s fair

    1. Good question, Selena. I can’t rightly tell you if that situation is fair or not.

      Does she work harder than you? Does she have skills and abilities that you do not have? Does she have a better relationship with management?

      Even if the answer is “NO” to all of these answers, it still does not change your situation. If you don’t like how you are being treated go get another job. Start your own hotel where you treat the staff fairly.

      You can’t be responsible for other people’s actions — so stop worrying about them. Change your future for the better.

      Dan

      1. Dan. Have you ever… I don’t know… worked? All your tips are far beyond reality.Tell me, you write this blog on how to deal with unfair treatment. If I follow these tips I should be okay, right?
        Why would I have to go look for another job? Something wrong with your tips Dan?
        Ultimately there are better ways to deal with unfair treatment than ditch your job.
        I live on an island and if I did that there won’t be any jobs left and hell I’m not going to just grow a business in a matter of days.

        Why not suggest talking to other coworkers or higher ups as unfair treatment is essentially against the rules?

        1. have you ever worked, that’s hilarious, exactly what i wanted to ask, and also… have you ever delt with a real problem, have you ever had responsibilities that mean you cant make that change that everyone suggests…. we don’t live in a movie! this is real life, there are things stopping us from ‘quiting that job, dumping that boyfriend, moving away’ but dan doesn’t concider the real world where the average jo has very little power over his life.

  33. good advice however, it really depends on what has wronged you. some things ned imediate attention and procrastinating is the owrst thing, esp. if there is a legal aspect to it. waiting can mean you loose your chance to ever get this righted, and it can be a very serious consequence by just letting it go, and thus leading to more unhappiness and feelings of being mistreated. I guess it all depends. if it is a less serious incident, then apply above, however, some things need writing down, and pursuing as what comes next is worst than the original ” unfair treatment’. just my two sense.

    1. Maybe you can give me some advice….I have been working in a situation where I have a male boss in facilities operations. He has tried to get every female in positions moved out of the area. I’m his next target. He has excluded me from weekly meetings and has sent inflammatory emails out to me and cc’d my peers in the group with untrue statements and when had a meeting with HR he apologized but got caught in a lie right in front of HR saying where he got his information from. The little things are building up. He offered the lead of my team a position in maint., quoted the starting salary which is significantly higher than what he is making doing his current job. Now I have a disgruntled lead on my hands with a very aggressive attitude towards his work! Sabotaged at every turn now. What should i do?

      1. So… you are posing a question that I relevant to a lot of concerned people (that might be too timid to ask the question).

        I would do two things at the same time:

        1) Auto-include yourself in meetings (even if not invited) and/or pop your head in your boss’ office after a “missed meeting” and grab time to catch up since you were “accidentally not included” in the meeting.
        2) Reach out discreetly to your boss’ boss and see if you can get some help on an evaluation — “What can I be doing to better support the operation of the facility?” That should give you a clue as to where you stand.

        If the writing is on the wall, you could make a stand. Push back against the business as a whole. Talk to HR about why the environment is so “toxic for women”. That should get people moving.

        BTW, if you want to grab a few minutes together and talk this though in more detail, send me an email.

        Dan

  34. good advice however, it really depends on what has wronged you. some things ned imediate attention and procrastinating is the owrst thing, esp. if there is a legal aspect to it. waiting can mean you loose your chance to ever get this righted, and it can be a very serious consequence by just letting it go, and thus leading to more unhappiness and feelings of being mistreated. I guess it all depends. if it is a less serious incident, then apply above, however, some things need writing down, and pursuing as what comes next is worst than the original ” unfair treatment’. just my two sense.

    1. Maybe you can give me some advice….I have been working in a situation where I have a male boss in facilities operations. He has tried to get every female in positions moved out of the area. I’m his next target. He has excluded me from weekly meetings and has sent inflammatory emails out to me and cc’d my peers in the group with untrue statements and when had a meeting with HR he apologized but got caught in a lie right in front of HR saying where he got his information from. The little things are building up. He offered the lead of my team a position in maint., quoted the starting salary which is significantly higher than what he is making doing his current job. Now I have a disgruntled lead on my hands with a very aggressive attitude towards his work! Sabotaged at every turn now. What should i do?

      1. So… you are posing a question that I relevant to a lot of concerned people (that might be too timid to ask the question).

        I would do two things at the same time:

        1) Auto-include yourself in meetings (even if not invited) and/or pop your head in your boss’ office after a “missed meeting” and grab time to catch up since you were “accidentally not included” in the meeting.
        2) Reach out discreetly to your boss’ boss and see if you can get some help on an evaluation — “What can I be doing to better support the operation of the facility?” That should give you a clue as to where you stand.

        If the writing is on the wall, you could make a stand. Push back against the business as a whole. Talk to HR about why the environment is so “toxic for women”. That should get people moving.

        BTW, if you want to grab a few minutes together and talk this though in more detail, send me an email.

        Dan

  35. i am not going to apologize to anyone because I did not do anything wrong to apologize for. They accused me of stealing and I completely did not steal and the loss prevention officer, after interrogating me determined that I did not do anything wrong. This is a huge corporation that a jealous female supervisor went after me for unknown reasons. I was completely treated unjustified and now I feel like I have a right to do something about it so they will not keep doing this kind of things to women. I had to work with a coworker, male who did lie steal and cheat for 2 years and they would do nothing about it, he finally quit and now they are going after me accusing me of doing what he did. I need to figure out how to find the right lawyer who can help me with this. Going through this has caused terrible physical problems that are making me sick to the point of exhaustion.

    1. If you did nothing wrong then you have nothing to apologize for.

      Being treated unfairly is different from making the excuse that you are being treated unfairly. If you are in the clear (and did not steal), you are fine.

      Take time to heal your soul. It doesn’t make any sense to kill yourself because of other people acting like idiots.

      Dan

  36. i am not going to apologize to anyone because I did not do anything wrong to apologize for. They accused me of stealing and I completely did not steal and the loss prevention officer, after interrogating me determined that I did not do anything wrong. This is a huge corporation that a jealous female supervisor went after me for unknown reasons. I was completely treated unjustified and now I feel like I have a right to do something about it so they will not keep doing this kind of things to women. I had to work with a coworker, male who did lie steal and cheat for 2 years and they would do nothing about it, he finally quit and now they are going after me accusing me of doing what he did. I need to figure out how to find the right lawyer who can help me with this. Going through this has caused terrible physical problems that are making me sick to the point of exhaustion.

    1. If you did nothing wrong then you have nothing to apologize for.

      Being treated unfairly is different from making the excuse that you are being treated unfairly. If you are in the clear (and did not steal), you are fine.

      Take time to heal your soul. It doesn’t make any sense to kill yourself because of other people acting like idiots.

      Dan

  37. …And if none of these steps work? Oh just don’t do anything else, that’s right. In the work place or any professional environment it’s honestly better to confront someone else as any harassment or discrimination from other employees goes against the equality act. This is basically just go up to the meany and apologize for being such a loser, making no progress.

  38. …And if none of these steps work? Oh just don’t do anything else, that’s right. In the work place or any professional environment it’s honestly better to confront someone else as any harassment or discrimination from other employees goes against the equality act. This is basically just go up to the meany and apologize for being such a loser, making no progress.

  39. How but if someone threatens you, and hits you and are you going to complain to your supervisor, and it makes you feel guilty, yelling at you, you do not have witnesses,, and next day He punished me with suspension because I complained that someone assaulted me and threatened me So please can you make, tell me what can I do

  40. How but if someone threatens you, and hits you and are you going to complain to your supervisor, and it makes you feel guilty, yelling at you, you do not have witnesses,, and next day He punished me with suspension because I complained that someone assaulted me and threatened me So please can you make, tell me what can I do

  41. in my case it is a girl who was very emotionally charged who accused me of being very disrespectful and trying to poke fun of and got this long talk about how terribly disrespectful I was. quite frankjly it made no logical sense as I was inenting to be consoling and empathetic and I can’t even remotely see how I was being so. but this is a girl I like, she did say sorry a little later and the rest of the day she seemed very close to me. but I haven’t heard from her all day at all. no resopnses, so I don’t know if she is still fuming over what she perceives, and I wonder if I should address it, let it go or what, I did just sit calm and agree with everything they said during this time instead of trying to argue, and haven’t tried to explain anything yet.

  42. in my case it is a girl who was very emotionally charged who accused me of being very disrespectful and trying to poke fun of and got this long talk about how terribly disrespectful I was. quite frankjly it made no logical sense as I was inenting to be consoling and empathetic and I can’t even remotely see how I was being so. but this is a girl I like, she did say sorry a little later and the rest of the day she seemed very close to me. but I haven’t heard from her all day at all. no resopnses, so I don’t know if she is still fuming over what she perceives, and I wonder if I should address it, let it go or what, I did just sit calm and agree with everything they said during this time instead of trying to argue, and haven’t tried to explain anything yet.

  43. The advice to wait 24 hours is something that backs up my decision. See, my boss is not only treating me unfairly, I believe she’s treating me illegally. I was injured at work and have a workers comp claim. My boss has denied my requests for reasonable accommodations for my return to work. I’m salaried and she treats me like I’m an hourly wage earner. She’s set to retire in a few months, thankfully. I have legal advice coming, and I just need to be patient and not push the issue until I’m on more solid ground. So thanks for this article and the advice to wait and to avoid being bitter.

    1. YES. It is hard to be patient. It’s also Important to realize that you have options:
      1) Hire an attorney or go get one locally for free
      2) Get a new job in the company or someplace new
      3) Appeal to another management leader

      You don’t need to stay stuck. Be strong. Keep your head up.

      Dan

  44. The advice to wait 24 hours is something that backs up my decision. See, my boss is not only treating me unfairly, I believe she’s treating me illegally. I was injured at work and have a workers comp claim. My boss has denied my requests for reasonable accommodations for my return to work. I’m salaried and she treats me like I’m an hourly wage earner. She’s set to retire in a few months, thankfully. I have legal advice coming, and I just need to be patient and not push the issue until I’m on more solid ground. So thanks for this article and the advice to wait and to avoid being bitter.

    1. YES. It is hard to be patient. It’s also Important to realize that you have options:
      1) Hire an attorney or go get one locally for free
      2) Get a new job in the company or someplace new
      3) Appeal to another management leader

      You don’t need to stay stuck. Be strong. Keep your head up.

      Dan

  45. Good article, you are right when you noted that it is a need for great self control and positive thinking during times of duress, you have to remain calm and positive just to make the correct decision, you don’t want to be totally emotional during problematic times, but you will need some element of your emotions when it is time to just walk away from the job.

  46. Good article, you are right when you noted that it is a need for great self control and positive thinking during times of duress, you have to remain calm and positive just to make the correct decision, you don’t want to be totally emotional during problematic times, but you will need some element of your emotions when it is time to just walk away from the job.

  47. All this is great, but in my case my husband treats me unfairly, he thinks that he treats me good but I feel sad and unhappy everyday,sometimes we will talk about something and he will have a opinion and i will have mine but he only thinks he is right,when I talk he tells me that i have no sense,no understanding,that nobody can correct me, he doesnt want to understand me, we have two kids i am a home mom he works all the time. I will be home all day doing house cleaning taking of the kids and when he comes he doesnt appreaciate what i have done,instead he will see all the wrong things i does do and tell me about it and when i talk he says i always defending myself and he cant talk to me and i does feel like just giving up on everything but when i see my kids i know we have to put aside our problem for their sake, I cant help financial but i do my part at home, i dont go out, i dont buy anything for myself, i dont have friends,my parents are not around. I feel that i am being treated unfairly and it stresses me out. What do you think of my situation and can you advise me on something.

    1. Debbie,
      This is a delicate matter — as any relationship is.

      Several things: 1) would both of you be willing to go to counseling and talk about this? 2) if not, are you willing to to leave him and go live life on your own terms.

      You have options. By staying, and putting up with the “unfairness” you are making the decision that you deserve that treatment.

      I would fight to begin a healthy dialog. Start with therapy.

      Dan

    2. He is the main influence in your life, you want to please him but you never will being the person you are, it is tough but unfortunately it is true for so many of my patients who say the exact thing almost word for word, you need to fill your life with other things n people so one day your brain sees that his opinion is just that of one mans, its rather meaningless when it comes to the big wide world, the only way you will ever feel better about the situation is to feel better about yourself and this can only happen by enriching your life, it will be tiring at times and it will be hard but you need to ‘find yourself’ again, you are an individual, you are not just a random mum and wife, you are a person, a person who may have interests, if you don’t then you may try new things and along the way develop interests, you need some ‘life’ back in your life, I PROMISE YOU if you find your personality again or develop your own personality over time you will be happy, the way you feel about the way your husband treats you will seem like a tiny silly thing of the past, and along the way you will work out wether he is worth staying with, or you will be so confident and so happy you may feel the right thing to do is go it alone, as i said it is hard work but worth it if you are living such an unhappy life, so wake up an hour early, drag your bum outa bed… don’t reach for the tea with two sugars but put on a jumper and go for a walk while they are all still in bed, come home and force yourself to eat something healthy, force yourself to socialise, force yourself out of your comfort zone, take free classes at local community centres, the dad can have the kids, or do it when they are in school, or a relative could have them for an hour… go to your doctor, don’t be so proud just be honest go in there tell them everything and cry your heart out… talking helps and they are paid to listen and care and not judge, join every different friend making site onine that you can, volunteer anytime you can at anything you find interesting, search these things online, if your kids are too young to leave find things you can do while with them swimming, going to the park anything where you may make a friend and have some interaction which isn’t your negative husband. he wont like the new you at first as its a threat to his power, but your taking the sarcky comments already so your used to his nonsense, if he has a problem with you trying to better yourself then just carry on trying to ignore his comments until one day you see them for what they are, a big kid showing off because he is unhappy with somepart of his life and taking it out on you because hes chopsier. he may be unhappy because of something random so don’t automatically blame yourself, it may be he feels he works hard and theres so many people out there on benefits that don’t and seem to have more than him, this makes him angry and he puts it on you (this is a common example of why men are annoyed in the uk) it could be anything but don’t blame yourself, he doesn’t understand how he is making you feel. he thinks because he pays the bills and doesn’t hit you that hes a good husband, some people are just selfish in someways and its unlikely there is any way you can handle this to make him change, people cant change their personalities unless they put iin that effort, n he wont, so its upto you to feel good about yourself again and this means forcing yourself until it comes easier and easier, social interaction, good food good sleep good fulfilling activities in your life and you will feel well again. you may also be happy enough with yourself that you see he is not a monster and may do good for you and you may feel the right kind of love for him again. who knows, good luck and take care.

  48. All this is great, but in my case my husband treats me unfairly, he thinks that he treats me good but I feel sad and unhappy everyday,sometimes we will talk about something and he will have a opinion and i will have mine but he only thinks he is right,when I talk he tells me that i have no sense,no understanding,that nobody can correct me, he doesnt want to understand me, we have two kids i am a home mom he works all the time. I will be home all day doing house cleaning taking of the kids and when he comes he doesnt appreaciate what i have done,instead he will see all the wrong things i does do and tell me about it and when i talk he says i always defending myself and he cant talk to me and i does feel like just giving up on everything but when i see my kids i know we have to put aside our problem for their sake, I cant help financial but i do my part at home, i dont go out, i dont buy anything for myself, i dont have friends,my parents are not around. I feel that i am being treated unfairly and it stresses me out. What do you think of my situation and can you advise me on something.

    1. Debbie,
      This is a delicate matter — as any relationship is.

      Several things: 1) would both of you be willing to go to counseling and talk about this? 2) if not, are you willing to to leave him and go live life on your own terms.

      You have options. By staying, and putting up with the “unfairness” you are making the decision that you deserve that treatment.

      I would fight to begin a healthy dialog. Start with therapy.

      Dan

    2. He is the main influence in your life, you want to please him but you never will being the person you are, it is tough but unfortunately it is true for so many of my patients who say the exact thing almost word for word, you need to fill your life with other things n people so one day your brain sees that his opinion is just that of one mans, its rather meaningless when it comes to the big wide world, the only way you will ever feel better about the situation is to feel better about yourself and this can only happen by enriching your life, it will be tiring at times and it will be hard but you need to ‘find yourself’ again, you are an individual, you are not just a random mum and wife, you are a person, a person who may have interests, if you don’t then you may try new things and along the way develop interests, you need some ‘life’ back in your life, I PROMISE YOU if you find your personality again or develop your own personality over time you will be happy, the way you feel about the way your husband treats you will seem like a tiny silly thing of the past, and along the way you will work out wether he is worth staying with, or you will be so confident and so happy you may feel the right thing to do is go it alone, as i said it is hard work but worth it if you are living such an unhappy life, so wake up an hour early, drag your bum outa bed… don’t reach for the tea with two sugars but put on a jumper and go for a walk while they are all still in bed, come home and force yourself to eat something healthy, force yourself to socialise, force yourself out of your comfort zone, take free classes at local community centres, the dad can have the kids, or do it when they are in school, or a relative could have them for an hour… go to your doctor, don’t be so proud just be honest go in there tell them everything and cry your heart out… talking helps and they are paid to listen and care and not judge, join every different friend making site onine that you can, volunteer anytime you can at anything you find interesting, search these things online, if your kids are too young to leave find things you can do while with them swimming, going to the park anything where you may make a friend and have some interaction which isn’t your negative husband. he wont like the new you at first as its a threat to his power, but your taking the sarcky comments already so your used to his nonsense, if he has a problem with you trying to better yourself then just carry on trying to ignore his comments until one day you see them for what they are, a big kid showing off because he is unhappy with somepart of his life and taking it out on you because hes chopsier. he may be unhappy because of something random so don’t automatically blame yourself, it may be he feels he works hard and theres so many people out there on benefits that don’t and seem to have more than him, this makes him angry and he puts it on you (this is a common example of why men are annoyed in the uk) it could be anything but don’t blame yourself, he doesn’t understand how he is making you feel. he thinks because he pays the bills and doesn’t hit you that hes a good husband, some people are just selfish in someways and its unlikely there is any way you can handle this to make him change, people cant change their personalities unless they put iin that effort, n he wont, so its upto you to feel good about yourself again and this means forcing yourself until it comes easier and easier, social interaction, good food good sleep good fulfilling activities in your life and you will feel well again. you may also be happy enough with yourself that you see he is not a monster and may do good for you and you may feel the right kind of love for him again. who knows, good luck and take care.

  49. What do i do my uncle talks about me behind my back saying negative things and treats me unfair when i turn the wifi on he turns it off and only turns it on when he wants to use it or when im outside. This may be a small thing but he has been doing it for along time

    1. Grit your teeth and ignore it. If that’s not good enough comma stop spending time with your Uncle.
      You might also want to ask him why he is treating you the way he is. Regardless of what he says, asking him will be therapeutic. You should try it.

  50. What do i do my uncle talks about me behind my back saying negative things and treats me unfair when i turn the wifi on he turns it off and only turns it on when he wants to use it or when im outside. This may be a small thing but he has been doing it for along time

    1. Grit your teeth and ignore it. If that’s not good enough comma stop spending time with your Uncle.
      You might also want to ask him why he is treating you the way he is. Regardless of what he says, asking him will be therapeutic. You should try it.

  51. Dan- I do think is important to be right. It is part of one of our core values as individuals and society-justice. But we have to be realistic about the changes of winning while we present our arguments. First of all we need support to be stronger. Secondly we need to believe in others and the power of changing things. My first advice would be search for support and be patient and persistent, many other people are in the same situation and they also want things to be different.

  52. Dan- I do think is important to be right. It is part of one of our core values as individuals and society-justice. But we have to be realistic about the changes of winning while we present our arguments. First of all we need support to be stronger. Secondly we need to believe in others and the power of changing things. My first advice would be search for support and be patient and persistent, many other people are in the same situation and they also want things to be different.

  53. Many thanks for this article. I have to deal with a person in authority who treats me unfairly and everything I ask in an exasperating manner as if I should do or ask nothing . It’s very upsetting. It’s greatly unfair and outrageous to be honest. It’s complete and utter abuse of authority. It can be very irritating and your article saved me from making a fool of myself. Thanks Be awesome too ; )

  54. Many thanks for this article. I have to deal with a person in authority who treats me unfairly and everything I ask in an exasperating manner as if I should do or ask nothing . It’s very upsetting. It’s greatly unfair and outrageous to be honest. It’s complete and utter abuse of authority. It can be very irritating and your article saved me from making a fool of myself. Thanks Be awesome too ; )

  55. Wow.I needed to hear this. Thank you so much Dan!!!!!! Great advice…. and you’re so right. They don’t care. I tried changing them for so long. trying to “fix” the situation if you will and everything only HELPED the party who was publicly attempting to shame me by making me seem indignant and angry… it only helped promote their story line of the person who i was tied into the embarrassment and shame filled misunderstanding they promoted to the world in order to alleviate any of their own personal responsibilities.

  56. Wow.I needed to hear this. Thank you so much Dan!!!!!! Great advice…. and you’re so right. They don’t care. I tried changing them for so long. trying to “fix” the situation if you will and everything only HELPED the party who was publicly attempting to shame me by making me seem indignant and angry… it only helped promote their story line of the person who i was tied into the embarrassment and shame filled misunderstanding they promoted to the world in order to alleviate any of their own personal responsibilities.

  57. Have had a recent terrible experience myself. I was renting an apartment and come summer time EVERYONE is burning outdoors. Apts are really close together and as a consequence my apartment was FILLED WITH SMOKE ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. That is simply NOT RIGHT. It’s unhealthy and sickening. I have asthma and ended up in the ER plenty of times. I was on a year lease, and couldnt get out. Talk about feeling trapped and persecuted. I went to the Fire Chief who basically said he couldnt do anything about it because the laws allowed for IN-TOWN burning. I would call police and they would do NOTHING. I even called DEP and the press. The press did a story on it which just irked the police dept. They even tried to make me look like I was a trouble maker for standing my ground to protect their own arses. I reported the incident to the Mayor and their police chief and threatened them back with an attorney. The DEP basically said we dont force anyone to do anything. EXCUSE ME — THEIR IS SMOKE IN MY APT EVERY NIGHT! UGH. Jerks. I finally left the apt. but not without suffering health problems, Attorneys are expensive. I did at least get photos of illegal burning and brought witnesses to the town public health meeting who were also sick and tired of the smoke in their apartments– but again THEY DID NOTHING except try to make themselves look good. Yes it was PURE HELL FOR ME for a long time and NO ONE DID ANYTHING. i STILL get angry from having to suffer so long with so little support for such a clear violation of public health. Nothing worse than a corrupt police department and corrupt local government and a DEP that doesnt do its job but cover for local government.

    1. I like your tenacity. Sometimes, it looks like you aren’t making progress — that things aren’t working.
      You might have to endure some frustration and embarrassment in order to get to where you want to be.

      Dan

  58. Have had a recent terrible experience myself. I was renting an apartment and come summer time EVERYONE is burning outdoors. Apts are really close together and as a consequence my apartment was FILLED WITH SMOKE ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. That is simply NOT RIGHT. It’s unhealthy and sickening. I have asthma and ended up in the ER plenty of times. I was on a year lease, and couldnt get out. Talk about feeling trapped and persecuted. I went to the Fire Chief who basically said he couldnt do anything about it because the laws allowed for IN-TOWN burning. I would call police and they would do NOTHING. I even called DEP and the press. The press did a story on it which just irked the police dept. They even tried to make me look like I was a trouble maker for standing my ground to protect their own arses. I reported the incident to the Mayor and their police chief and threatened them back with an attorney. The DEP basically said we dont force anyone to do anything. EXCUSE ME — THEIR IS SMOKE IN MY APT EVERY NIGHT! UGH. Jerks. I finally left the apt. but not without suffering health problems, Attorneys are expensive. I did at least get photos of illegal burning and brought witnesses to the town public health meeting who were also sick and tired of the smoke in their apartments– but again THEY DID NOTHING except try to make themselves look good. Yes it was PURE HELL FOR ME for a long time and NO ONE DID ANYTHING. i STILL get angry from having to suffer so long with so little support for such a clear violation of public health. Nothing worse than a corrupt police department and corrupt local government and a DEP that doesnt do its job but cover for local government.

    1. I like your tenacity. Sometimes, it looks like you aren’t making progress — that things aren’t working.
      You might have to endure some frustration and embarrassment in order to get to where you want to be.

      Dan

  59. Im reading what you posted, and I agree but it’s hard especially if your a prideful person. 2 years ago I was transfer into another department working under a employee that just got promoted to be a manager. Before she became manager people kept their distant at the job from her because she lied alot and told people personal business. Think Goodness I kept to myself most of the time. Now manager her communication toward I and colleagues will be as if we are dogs, in the office to in public also. So I guess u can say I let that disrespect build up in me, and I blow up on her, telling her attiude reflects leadership. You get respect when it’s given, and what I’m getting from you is no leadership at all etc etc. After that everything went downhill for me. Seniority is important in my job field but for 2 years, newbie have been getting better deals then I have. From good schedule, promotion opportunity including performance rating, which is happening now. And I am very angry about i especially my performance rating.I feel it’s personal and not business. I get so angry at times I cry, because when challenge the managers, employees seem to lose all the time. Its frustrating cause when I thought I was going to win by explaining my truth with proof,and tell them how I’m excellent worker, I still lost. Now I’m like it’s a never winning situation in this workplace unless I kiss butt. My pride is to high for that. Just treat me fair with respect why is that so hard. How can I get this anger out of me..

    1. In am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds very frustrating. I might be just as angry and hurt as you are.
      The hard truth is that you need to find a new job. Not every boss is petty and ridiculous. In fact, there are some awesome people out there who would love to have you work for them.

      Go start looking for amazing opportunities where your skills and attitude can be appreciated.

      Dan

  60. Im reading what you posted, and I agree but it’s hard especially if your a prideful person. 2 years ago I was transfer into another department working under a employee that just got promoted to be a manager. Before she became manager people kept their distant at the job from her because she lied alot and told people personal business. Think Goodness I kept to myself most of the time. Now manager her communication toward I and colleagues will be as if we are dogs, in the office to in public also. So I guess u can say I let that disrespect build up in me, and I blow up on her, telling her attiude reflects leadership. You get respect when it’s given, and what I’m getting from you is no leadership at all etc etc. After that everything went downhill for me. Seniority is important in my job field but for 2 years, newbie have been getting better deals then I have. From good schedule, promotion opportunity including performance rating, which is happening now. And I am very angry about i especially my performance rating.I feel it’s personal and not business. I get so angry at times I cry, because when challenge the managers, employees seem to lose all the time. Its frustrating cause when I thought I was going to win by explaining my truth with proof,and tell them how I’m excellent worker, I still lost. Now I’m like it’s a never winning situation in this workplace unless I kiss butt. My pride is to high for that. Just treat me fair with respect why is that so hard. How can I get this anger out of me..

    1. In am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds very frustrating. I might be just as angry and hurt as you are.
      The hard truth is that you need to find a new job. Not every boss is petty and ridiculous. In fact, there are some awesome people out there who would love to have you work for them.

      Go start looking for amazing opportunities where your skills and attitude can be appreciated.

      Dan

  61. so basically what you are saying is that if somebody gives you a hard time, grin, bear it and pretend it’s not happening?I’m thinking of something more along the lines of punisher warzone myself.
    thanks for that, we disagree on many things I’m afraid but that is just how life is. I am happy that you wrote this advice and I am sure it will help someone somewhere.

    1. That’s an oversimplification/ You don’t just “grin and bear it”. You grit your teeth and struggle forward — but you don’t waste your emotion and energy trying to change people and circumstances that are wildly outside of your control.
      Dan

  62. so basically what you are saying is that if somebody gives you a hard time, grin, bear it and pretend it’s not happening?I’m thinking of something more along the lines of punisher warzone myself.
    thanks for that, we disagree on many things I’m afraid but that is just how life is. I am happy that you wrote this advice and I am sure it will help someone somewhere.

    1. That’s an oversimplification/ You don’t just “grin and bear it”. You grit your teeth and struggle forward — but you don’t waste your emotion and energy trying to change people and circumstances that are wildly outside of your control.
      Dan

  63. Dan – not just good advice, exceptional advice! I find myself in a situation with a University and your article helped me put my thoughts and actions in perspective. I’m still challenging the University, but my approach will (now) be different.
    A quick comment on the post by adoctorwhostumbledacrossthis. I do not disagree that a considerable number of people struggle each and every day with mental health related problems. I offer that society is only one of many factors that influence one’s view of the world. Two principles – empowerment and recovery – are central to rehabilitation.

  64. Dan – not just good advice, exceptional advice! I find myself in a situation with a University and your article helped me put my thoughts and actions in perspective. I’m still challenging the University, but my approach will (now) be different.
    A quick comment on the post by adoctorwhostumbledacrossthis. I do not disagree that a considerable number of people struggle each and every day with mental health related problems. I offer that society is only one of many factors that influence one’s view of the world. Two principles – empowerment and recovery – are central to rehabilitation.

  65. FROM THE BLOG OF DAN WALSCHMIDT article 5 things to do when you get treated unfairly. My comments on his blog
    Your five point hit home for me. I have been maligned unfairly by a family member for a long time. Problem is, they believe what they believe, regardless of reality. So your points taken by one: 1. I have always sat back to reflect because I do not want to hurt the other person so have not pushed for any kind of response. 2. For years, I have done a journal type of writing, kept some, destroyed some, edited, rewritten, added to the ‘words’ but never sent them. Sort of a personal venting, for clarification. It has become a millstone around my neck. I would not bother at all except this person is important to me and I want them in my life so this needs to be sorted or we can never have a relationship again. 3. I have reached out to this person directly and discussed the situation, then got to a starting point but it never lasts because thee has been no closure on some things so misconceptions by that person go on and on. It is repetitive. 4. I have nothing to apologize for because I have done nothing wrong and I know this for a fact. 5. I have gone on with my life. This situation with this person is always somehow simmering under the surface though. I AM ADDING # 6 – which is what I will do now. I am compiling my ‘journal’ stuff that has been edited to a very concise point – copying it from my memory tube onto hard copy and mailing it. That will be the end of it for me and the ball will be in that person’s court to explain themselves, or not….their decision.

    Thanks for helping me get to this point.

  66. FROM THE BLOG OF DAN WALSCHMIDT article 5 things to do when you get treated unfairly. My comments on his blog
    Your five point hit home for me. I have been maligned unfairly by a family member for a long time. Problem is, they believe what they believe, regardless of reality. So your points taken by one: 1. I have always sat back to reflect because I do not want to hurt the other person so have not pushed for any kind of response. 2. For years, I have done a journal type of writing, kept some, destroyed some, edited, rewritten, added to the ‘words’ but never sent them. Sort of a personal venting, for clarification. It has become a millstone around my neck. I would not bother at all except this person is important to me and I want them in my life so this needs to be sorted or we can never have a relationship again. 3. I have reached out to this person directly and discussed the situation, then got to a starting point but it never lasts because thee has been no closure on some things so misconceptions by that person go on and on. It is repetitive. 4. I have nothing to apologize for because I have done nothing wrong and I know this for a fact. 5. I have gone on with my life. This situation with this person is always somehow simmering under the surface though. I AM ADDING # 6 – which is what I will do now. I am compiling my ‘journal’ stuff that has been edited to a very concise point – copying it from my memory tube onto hard copy and mailing it. That will be the end of it for me and the ball will be in that person’s court to explain themselves, or not….their decision.

    Thanks for helping me get to this point.

  67. what if i can’t sit down and talk with them? ill be honest, maybe i’m being dramatic, but my mother has thrown things at me, blocked me from leaving physical situations, and threatened to kick me out at the same time. every time we talk, she ends up yelling at me, so i really don’t want anything to do with her. currently, my dad just called her unreasonable as i’m typing this out because she doesn’t want a co-worker to look better than her at work, and she yelled back, “if you wont take my side, i’ll just fucking leave” this goes on EVERY day. at 19. i have a great job, don’t do drugs or smoke, i might go out once every 3 months and am nice to people, so why am i such a horrible child to her? Please! tell me, because i can’t take it anymore.

  68. what if i can’t sit down and talk with them? ill be honest, maybe i’m being dramatic, but my mother has thrown things at me, blocked me from leaving physical situations, and threatened to kick me out at the same time. every time we talk, she ends up yelling at me, so i really don’t want anything to do with her. currently, my dad just called her unreasonable as i’m typing this out because she doesn’t want a co-worker to look better than her at work, and she yelled back, “if you wont take my side, i’ll just fucking leave” this goes on EVERY day. at 19. i have a great job, don’t do drugs or smoke, i might go out once every 3 months and am nice to people, so why am i such a horrible child to her? Please! tell me, because i can’t take it anymore.

  69. I can’t recall how many times I’ve been wrong by countless of people that I’ve helped, only to had been manipulated and two faced towards by these people then treat me as I am the fool and uneducated idiot when I studied alot of topics before these false friends present thier true colours and try to steal what I worked so hard for and try with all thier might To discourage me away from my passions and multiple talents as they were jealous and couldn’t understand how I adapt to juggle multiple interests hobbies and tasks. I say politely that they are treating me what I don’t like and cut the ties because I realised their true intentions were to make themselves better and claim what I’ve worked and studied so hard for then tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. That deeply hurts me and angers me but instead getting angry with them and argue with them. I tale a breathe, say one thing then walk away. I say “good luck on your journey hope you find all you are seeking. Take care goodbye”. I walk away after that and never speak with them again because my intuition struck hard through the mask and revealed their true face. It’s frustrating and tiring so I chose to be alone due to this fact.

    1. I am sorry for your hurt and your pain. It is wildly uncomfortable take advantage of by those to whom you have given the most.
      You have to decide whether it’s more important to get revenge or to live happy. It is very hard to do both at the same time. You either get bitter or get better.

      You have to decide.

      Dan

  70. I can’t recall how many times I’ve been wrong by countless of people that I’ve helped, only to had been manipulated and two faced towards by these people then treat me as I am the fool and uneducated idiot when I studied alot of topics before these false friends present thier true colours and try to steal what I worked so hard for and try with all thier might To discourage me away from my passions and multiple talents as they were jealous and couldn’t understand how I adapt to juggle multiple interests hobbies and tasks. I say politely that they are treating me what I don’t like and cut the ties because I realised their true intentions were to make themselves better and claim what I’ve worked and studied so hard for then tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. That deeply hurts me and angers me but instead getting angry with them and argue with them. I tale a breathe, say one thing then walk away. I say “good luck on your journey hope you find all you are seeking. Take care goodbye”. I walk away after that and never speak with them again because my intuition struck hard through the mask and revealed their true face. It’s frustrating and tiring so I chose to be alone due to this fact.

    1. I am sorry for your hurt and your pain. It is wildly uncomfortable take advantage of by those to whom you have given the most.
      You have to decide whether it’s more important to get revenge or to live happy. It is very hard to do both at the same time. You either get bitter or get better.

      You have to decide.

      Dan

  71. This is all well and good. But it really depends on who it is treating you unfairly, and the damage its doing to you on multiple plains. My eldest brother and sister are cunts. Some lies, and theft are simply an unrepairable wounds to too many facets of your life and the best thing you can do about people who would likely be happy to see you broke,estranged from other family members (by their lies) or worse, is disconnect and hope you never have the misfortune to be treated so unfairly again in your life…if you survived the first round of abuse that is.

    1. You are right that people can cut you deeply with their words and actions. The damage can be greatest from those closest to you — the people from whom you expect the most love and compassion.
      You forgiving those bad people in your life doesn’t mean that you are excusing their actions. It just means that you realize that life is too short to stay angry and miserable. By forgiving you are making the conscious effort to live life on your own terms.

      I am so sorry to feel your pain and frustration. I don’t wish that on anyone. Be strong. Fight for yourself. Believe that your happiness is worth fighting for…

      Dan

  72. This is all well and good. But it really depends on who it is treating you unfairly, and the damage its doing to you on multiple plains. My eldest brother and sister are cunts. Some lies, and theft are simply an unrepairable wounds to too many facets of your life and the best thing you can do about people who would likely be happy to see you broke,estranged from other family members (by their lies) or worse, is disconnect and hope you never have the misfortune to be treated so unfairly again in your life…if you survived the first round of abuse that is.

    1. You are right that people can cut you deeply with their words and actions. The damage can be greatest from those closest to you — the people from whom you expect the most love and compassion.
      You forgiving those bad people in your life doesn’t mean that you are excusing their actions. It just means that you realize that life is too short to stay angry and miserable. By forgiving you are making the conscious effort to live life on your own terms.

      I am so sorry to feel your pain and frustration. I don’t wish that on anyone. Be strong. Fight for yourself. Believe that your happiness is worth fighting for…

      Dan

  73. Though I commend the suggestions in the article, sometimes under extreme pressure, it’s almost impossible to execute. And your method of not caring when others treat you unfairly I think, is exactly why there are so many heartless people out there. No one reprimands them for their actions. And because they feel they can get away easily with doing wrong to others, they keep doing it again and again… So the weak, the wronged, the helpless in essence are doomed. This cycle repeats. Because no one condemns the action of evil people but everyone condemns how the weak, mistreated and helpless reacts when treated unfairly. This is really sad.

    1. I completely agree that it is so very hard to make the right decision in the heat of the moment. And I agree that often bad people get away with bad behavior.
      I have come to realize that good people get hurt more by being distracted by the hurt and anger than they do with the original “unfair treatment”. Why waste time stewing on the moment?!?

      Success is the best revenge.

      Dan

  74. Though I commend the suggestions in the article, sometimes under extreme pressure, it’s almost impossible to execute. And your method of not caring when others treat you unfairly I think, is exactly why there are so many heartless people out there. No one reprimands them for their actions. And because they feel they can get away easily with doing wrong to others, they keep doing it again and again… So the weak, the wronged, the helpless in essence are doomed. This cycle repeats. Because no one condemns the action of evil people but everyone condemns how the weak, mistreated and helpless reacts when treated unfairly. This is really sad.

    1. I completely agree that it is so very hard to make the right decision in the heat of the moment. And I agree that often bad people get away with bad behavior.
      I have come to realize that good people get hurt more by being distracted by the hurt and anger than they do with the original “unfair treatment”. Why waste time stewing on the moment?!?

      Success is the best revenge.

      Dan

  75. I think your being to “polite” Your basically saying even if they are in the wrong just take it up the arse and move on. What ever happen to standing up for yourself?. If you are always a push over then your going to get run down every time. I agree that people need to pick their battles and a calm head thinks better than a hot one. But just being a patsy all the time is not only demoralizing it’s cowardly.

    1. Vickie,
      No. I am not saying that. I am saying that you have a choice about the responses you give to people who treat you unfairly.

      So you get mad, and seek revenge — what good has that gotten you? Are you happier? Have you achieved your goal? Are you more successful?

      The hard truth is that you rise highest when you refuse to stoop to the level of those who treat you the worst.

      Dan

  76. I think your being to “polite” Your basically saying even if they are in the wrong just take it up the arse and move on. What ever happen to standing up for yourself?. If you are always a push over then your going to get run down every time. I agree that people need to pick their battles and a calm head thinks better than a hot one. But just being a patsy all the time is not only demoralizing it’s cowardly.

    1. Vickie,
      No. I am not saying that. I am saying that you have a choice about the responses you give to people who treat you unfairly.

      So you get mad, and seek revenge — what good has that gotten you? Are you happier? Have you achieved your goal? Are you more successful?

      The hard truth is that you rise highest when you refuse to stoop to the level of those who treat you the worst.

      Dan

  77. To be honest I don’t let it get to me anymore at first I did but but wrkg with them for 5yrs it’s so much u can take all I’m saying is I didn’t do anything wrong I got blamed for somethin I didn’t do I’m was the bigger person to walk away so I can avoid any conflict and the manger walked up and got n my face talking crazy all I said was I’m not ur kid nor child so don’t treat me like that he sent me home then my boss called and said I was suspended but he wouldn’t let me explain just hung up on what do I do in this situation when I didn’t do nothin wrong their words against mine everybody sticks together

  78. To be honest I don’t let it get to me anymore at first I did but but wrkg with them for 5yrs it’s so much u can take all I’m saying is I didn’t do anything wrong I got blamed for somethin I didn’t do I’m was the bigger person to walk away so I can avoid any conflict and the manger walked up and got n my face talking crazy all I said was I’m not ur kid nor child so don’t treat me like that he sent me home then my boss called and said I was suspended but he wouldn’t let me explain just hung up on what do I do in this situation when I didn’t do nothin wrong their words against mine everybody sticks together

  79. 5yrs wrkg I’ve never caused any problems with nobody I respected everybody eventho coworkers didn’t like me I still respect them that’s how loyal i am to the company but this Is how I get treated it’s all good imma just pray and leave it in Gods hand

  80. 5yrs wrkg I’ve never caused any problems with nobody I respected everybody eventho coworkers didn’t like me I still respect them that’s how loyal i am to the company but this Is how I get treated it’s all good imma just pray and leave it in Gods hand

  81. Oh! Because everything is so easy and things are handed to you.
    Well, No! Thats not how the world works. You prove yourself to be soft and silent when people attack you, you end up seeming even more like a wimp. Be a gay, black, homeless, immigrant for a day; follow your own advice and see where that gets you.

    First of all, people dont like you and if you keep trying to please people and they keep disappointing you, you are only going to end up frustrated, insecure and depressed. Society doesnt like gays. Society doesnt like immigrants. Society doesnt like negros and society sure doesnt like the homeless. So no! They do not want to chat with you on a corner for some reason thats gonna benefit you. You are a God damn minority, yiu dont deserve to speak.

    Stay silent and silence becomes your enemy. Shout and scream and you will be heard. You have nothing to loose. You can be as petty as you want to be, no one gives a f**k when you needed just a petty piece of pie to eat, hungry and walking through the society.

    So, walk in people’s shoes before you make up these bullshit, guess-work advice. Not everyone has the same luck. Make the rules, if the rules do not work for you or stay ‘petty’ and let society keep taking advantage of you.

    1. This isn’t about luck, Kevin. It is about staying focused on getting to where you want to be in spite of the hatred and stupidity of negative people who wish only to hurt you.
      You can shout and scream. You can puff up your chest and fight. But after you’re done shouting and scrapping you aren’t any bit closer to your goal. Right?

      I agree that you need to “make your own rules”. Do that. Live courageously. Be awesome.

      Dan

  82. Oh! Because everything is so easy and things are handed to you.
    Well, No! Thats not how the world works. You prove yourself to be soft and silent when people attack you, you end up seeming even more like a wimp. Be a gay, black, homeless, immigrant for a day; follow your own advice and see where that gets you.

    First of all, people dont like you and if you keep trying to please people and they keep disappointing you, you are only going to end up frustrated, insecure and depressed. Society doesnt like gays. Society doesnt like immigrants. Society doesnt like negros and society sure doesnt like the homeless. So no! They do not want to chat with you on a corner for some reason thats gonna benefit you. You are a God damn minority, yiu dont deserve to speak.

    Stay silent and silence becomes your enemy. Shout and scream and you will be heard. You have nothing to loose. You can be as petty as you want to be, no one gives a f**k when you needed just a petty piece of pie to eat, hungry and walking through the society.

    So, walk in people’s shoes before you make up these bullshit, guess-work advice. Not everyone has the same luck. Make the rules, if the rules do not work for you or stay ‘petty’ and let society keep taking advantage of you.

    1. This isn’t about luck, Kevin. It is about staying focused on getting to where you want to be in spite of the hatred and stupidity of negative people who wish only to hurt you.
      You can shout and scream. You can puff up your chest and fight. But after you’re done shouting and scrapping you aren’t any bit closer to your goal. Right?

      I agree that you need to “make your own rules”. Do that. Live courageously. Be awesome.

      Dan

  83. I just got hired on last Friday I began work on Monday and Thursday and again on Friday i was left as the cashier when I asked for help everyone seemed mad and rude

  84. I just got hired on last Friday I began work on Monday and Thursday and again on Friday i was left as the cashier when I asked for help everyone seemed mad and rude

  85. i am silent for the past 72 hours and the arrogance has not gone as yet. i just dont know if i will be able to be normal again

  86. i am silent for the past 72 hours and the arrogance has not gone as yet. i just dont know if i will be able to be normal again

  87. I was passed over ones for a person with less education and experience. All i did was to ask for a different department. That was not taken well by the lead. She made sure I never got any other opportunity again. The HR knew the situation and never really supported me. The did not give me good review. They denied me my bonus. I found a better job and left. The HR asked me if i felt discriminated so they can investigate during my exit interview. I did not say anything. I had already decided that I would write to the HR after I leave the job. I want to ask them why do they want me to play victim and investigate if I formally complain while all along they knew that I was racially discriminated!! I want to know if I should go ahead and write to them. I really want them to know what I went through for 2 years!!

    1. Sounds like you made the right decision to find a job where your talents and attitude could be appreciated.;-)
      I am so sorry to hear about your poor experience. Keep your head up and keep driving towards the success you want for yourself.

      Not all bosses are as crazy as the one you describe.

      Dan

      1. Thank you Dan for responding. I know that there is no such thing as a great boss. They too are human. But why should they get away with bad behavior?I am happy with my new job and will continue to positively contribute to my new company as did for every place that I ever worked. Thanks again for your kind words

  88. I was passed over ones for a person with less education and experience. All i did was to ask for a different department. That was not taken well by the lead. She made sure I never got any other opportunity again. The HR knew the situation and never really supported me. The did not give me good review. They denied me my bonus. I found a better job and left. The HR asked me if i felt discriminated so they can investigate during my exit interview. I did not say anything. I had already decided that I would write to the HR after I leave the job. I want to ask them why do they want me to play victim and investigate if I formally complain while all along they knew that I was racially discriminated!! I want to know if I should go ahead and write to them. I really want them to know what I went through for 2 years!!

    1. Sounds like you made the right decision to find a job where your talents and attitude could be appreciated.;-)
      I am so sorry to hear about your poor experience. Keep your head up and keep driving towards the success you want for yourself.

      Not all bosses are as crazy as the one you describe.

      Dan

      1. Thank you Dan for responding. I know that there is no such thing as a great boss. They too are human. But why should they get away with bad behavior?I am happy with my new job and will continue to positively contribute to my new company as did for every place that I ever worked. Thanks again for your kind words

  89. These all things you all are discussing are pathetic I’ll kill that being I’ll kill his existence

    1. Hey, Asif. Sorry that you are bothered by all the comments. While I don’t agree with many of them — as you can see in my feedback below — I do think it is important to let people express themselves without any editing from me.
      People are hurting. They have different views about life based on where they have been. Don’t let it get you down.

      Dan

  90. These all things you all are discussing are pathetic I’ll kill that being I’ll kill his existence

    1. Hey, Asif. Sorry that you are bothered by all the comments. While I don’t agree with many of them — as you can see in my feedback below — I do think it is important to let people express themselves without any editing from me.
      People are hurting. They have different views about life based on where they have been. Don’t let it get you down.

      Dan

  91. Hi, although this article is 4 years old, it definitely resonates with me. I previously worked for a toxic manager at a toxic workplace. No one seemed to care that he was abusive. Although I had once LOVED my job (prior to his arrival), I began to hate it working for him. I suffered from numerous health issues, plus I am also a cancer survivor. I decided to not subject myself to that hellhole any longer. So, I quit without notice. We are an at will state, so it was well within my rights to do so. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of firing me because he had been trying to push me out for 2 years. Found out a few weeks ago that although I was not fired, the current ED won’t allow me back on the property to visit my friends (both former co-workers & the residents who live there).
    I had contemplated putting together a packet of supporting documentation showing just how badly he treated me and how valuable of an employee that I was considered to be before he came into the picture and sending it to the CEO of the company. After reading your article, I decided to not bother. I quit almost a year ago. I need to work on moving on. I’ve finally decided to seek counseling for all of this. First visit, she said that my experience with this bad boss may have very likely brought the abuse I suffered as a child by my father’s hand back to the forefront. And, I’m thinking she’s RIGHT!

    So, I’m thinking the counseling is going to help. 🙂

    1. I am so glad that you are getting the coaching that you need.
      You are right. These experiences can be caustic. You get scars.

      But you are doing the right thing by staying focused on developing new skills and moving closer to where you want to be.

      Let me know how I can be of any help to you in this journey of yours.

      My phone number and email address are available here on the website if you need anything.

      Dan

  92. Hi, although this article is 4 years old, it definitely resonates with me. I previously worked for a toxic manager at a toxic workplace. No one seemed to care that he was abusive. Although I had once LOVED my job (prior to his arrival), I began to hate it working for him. I suffered from numerous health issues, plus I am also a cancer survivor. I decided to not subject myself to that hellhole any longer. So, I quit without notice. We are an at will state, so it was well within my rights to do so. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of firing me because he had been trying to push me out for 2 years. Found out a few weeks ago that although I was not fired, the current ED won’t allow me back on the property to visit my friends (both former co-workers & the residents who live there).
    I had contemplated putting together a packet of supporting documentation showing just how badly he treated me and how valuable of an employee that I was considered to be before he came into the picture and sending it to the CEO of the company. After reading your article, I decided to not bother. I quit almost a year ago. I need to work on moving on. I’ve finally decided to seek counseling for all of this. First visit, she said that my experience with this bad boss may have very likely brought the abuse I suffered as a child by my father’s hand back to the forefront. And, I’m thinking she’s RIGHT!

    So, I’m thinking the counseling is going to help. 🙂

    1. I am so glad that you are getting the coaching that you need.
      You are right. These experiences can be caustic. You get scars.

      But you are doing the right thing by staying focused on developing new skills and moving closer to where you want to be.

      Let me know how I can be of any help to you in this journey of yours.

      My phone number and email address are available here on the website if you need anything.

      Dan

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